It's being reported that the Dodgers have traded Ryan Theriot to the St. Louis Cardinals.  This coming off the Dodgers recent signing of infielder Juan Uribe.

The Cardinals are thrilled about this deal as Theriot gives them more depth in the infield and meets all three criteria the Cardinals look for with their position players:

1. They're overrated
2. They're always referred to as "scrappy"
3. They're Caucasian

Move over David Eckstein.  You got some company in the Cardinals Hall of Overrated Mediocrity.

This also just in.  Wolter's Firebarn Threat Level has been raised from taupe to burnt umber.  Remain vigilant* people!

*and by vigilant I mean woefully apathetic.

"From the TMS Vault" digs deep into the archives of our former blog Thunder Matt's Saloon, and looks at old posts long since forgotten.  Some of them you may recall fondly.  Some of them you may have intentionally blocked from memory.  Some of them may be completely new to you.

Will you enjoy this?  Yes, you should.  Is this a feeble attempt to simply post new content by recycling old stuff?  You bet your ass it is!

Today we dig out this gem from four years ago written by the legendary Chaim Witz, whose Realm of Red features were some of the true masterpieces from TMS' early days.

Realm of Red The Drinking Game
originally posted on 11/30/06 by Chaim Witz (link)

It's a thinly veiled fact here that we here at the Saloon like to drink (thus the Saloon moniker). We are also constantly inspired and awed by redheads, none moreso than the maiden member of Realm of Red, David Caruso.

So when we stumbled across this little 7 minute slice of heaven on You Tube, which painfully strings together a montage of Caruso one-liners from that juggernaut CSI: Miami, we thought it too good to be true. (On a side note, who watches that show? It's an enigma the likes not seen since JAG.)

Watching this clip is sort of like listening to 'Stranglehold' by the Nuge. It's long to the point of almost being unbearable, but at the same time, there is something perversely entertaining about it and you can't shut it off. In fact, the unwritten rule is that once you start listening to 'Stranglehold' you have to finish, no excuses, even if you are just flipping around on the radio. I once sat in my car in the parking lot of Best Buy for a good 5 minutes and 36 seconds with the car idling, because I had to obey this rule. I'm pretty sure I would have been arrested had I gotten out of the car. Anyway, it's the same way with this Caruso clip. You have to watch it, no matter how painful.

But to ease your pain, I give you this wholly unoriginal concept. Drink while you watch. More specially, drink every time Caruso puts his shades back on. You may think it's childsplay, but be warned. You will be drunk and it will not be pretty. If you are in a relationship, and you decide to throw caution to the wind and play while your significant other is in the other room...well seven minutes later, you will wonder what happened to your life and why your wife has left you. So grab at least 4 or 5 beers and a catheter and get ready for David Caruso to wreck your life.

Your life ends HERE.

The 2011 season is saved. Bobby Scales has signed a minor league deal with the Cubs. I can sure breathe easier now. Is Bobby Scales a possible candidate for the Cubs' open 1B job? With Jim Hendry at the helm of this sinking ship, anything can happen!

I STILL hate this team.

Apparently, the Ricketts family isn't as rich as we thought they were. The family has asked the Illinois Sports Facilities Authority for $300 million in bonds to renovate Wrigley Field. These bonds would be paid for with the amusement tax, which fans already pay for the privilege of watching the Cubs suck it up every year. I have to say, this move requires some pretty big brass (gold?) cajones.

Illinois is in a deep financial hole and these wealthy cocksuckers have the temerity to request the state fork over more money to help them renovate Wrigley, which really should be torn down at this point anyway. The Ricketts have already made the decision to outsource the Cubs' media ventures, such as the Vineline magazine, to some company in Ohio. Now after sending jobs out of state, they're requesting money from that same state? I hope to God that the Illinois General Assembly, who must approve the plan, tells them to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

I guess what I find really annoying is that these people had to have been aware of Wrigley's condition when they purchased the team. "One ancient MLB stadium with mediocre ballclub-sold as is". The Ricketts family wanted to roll with the big boys. If they didn't have the capital to fix the ballpark, they shouldn't have bought the team in the first place. When searching for owners for their franchises, Selig and MLB claim that they want responsible owners who won't diminish the brand. Yet Jeff Loria is allowed to own a franchise. What the Ricketts want from the state of Illinois smacks of Lorian arrogance and greed, but Mark Cuban was unworthy of owning the Cubs?

I can only hope that the Ricketts don't plan to follow Loria's model in holding the state hostage by threatening to move the Cubs if Illinois doesn't agree to give them the money. I guess we're pretty much assured though that the product on the field still doesn't matter so long as the money keeps rolling in.

Have you've been listening to the same bullshit bands since graduating high school? Is the only time you ever find out about a new band when your favorite sitcom is preempted by a prime time awards show? Do friends mercifully send you burnt CDs of something they hope you'll finally replace your worn out Dynamite Hack CD with? Dude, you're balls deep in a music rut. Never fear, EOC's step-by-step Guide to Getting Out of A Music Rut is here...


Step 1) Kill your idols

This step requires the least bit of effort, but it might be the hardest. Simply put: if you think you're in a rut, stop listening to the same shit you've been listening to since the day you got your first bj in your Junior year of high school. Get out of your comfort zone. Face up to the fact that knowing the lyrics to every song on STP's Purple isn't going to get you laid ever again and ditch that shit. Let go of the past and find music that speaks to the person you are today, even if you're holding onto a bygone era because it was the last time anyone really liked you.

Step 2) Explore:

Don't assume that all new music is terrible. That's just stupid. And don't ask your friends what music you should be listening to. Chances are they have even shittier taste in music than you do. Instead, do some research. Try out Pandora, Last FM or any of the dozens of other sites that introduce you to new music. Those sites can get old really quick, so keep a constant lookout for new avenues of exposure. Read some music blogs. Learn how to steal music off the internet. And stop sucking on the teat of 1996.

Also, unless you get an erection at the thought of the MTV Video Music Awards, you're going to have to travel off the beaten path to discover new music. This probably goes without saying, but the sad fact is that MTV hasn't been a place to discover new music since 120 Minutes went off the air a long fucking time ago. And the radio usually isn't any better (unless you live in NYC, L.A. or a really hip college town). Look around. You're bound to like something that's out there on the internet...somewhere.

I know, I know...the thought of not being force-fed new music terrifies you and your knee-jerk response is to label anything that your sheltered existence hasn't been exposed to as "obscure" so you can go on ignoring how out of touch you are and eventually fall asleep without tears. Sadly, the fact remains that you can't stop sucking if you don't put in the effort. Accept this and move on.

Step 3) You might be looking in the wrong decade

Just because you can't relate to today's music doesn't mean you're doing the right thing by playing Superunkown for the 3000th time. Look up bands that you may have overlooked from that same time period. Or go a decade earlier and see what other bands were doing. And for fuck's sake, take every "Best Albums of the ____" list with a grain of salt. Believing the hype is what got you into this rut in the first place. Remember: If you aren't familiar with the music, it's new to you. And, judging by your taste in music, that's probably a good thing.

Step 4) Get back to your roots

If you like a certain album or style of music, see what influenced this evolution. Musical styles don't just pop up out of the thin air; something had to have influenced it. Find out what it is and check it out, you lazy piece of shit. Chances are that multiple & diverse influences shaped a particular album, group or movement. Stop being a pussy and see where this takes you.


Step 5) Develop a Critical Ear (aka Stop trying to pick out singles)

Jesus Christ, are you 10? Just because you can't immediately hum along to a song doesn't mean that an entire album is worthless. Listen to the entire album. What's the general tone of the songs? Are there recurring themes? Is there some sort of progression? Do you understand what was happening in the world at the time the album was released? Or is the entire album just a mishmash of songs that seem to be thrown together in no particular order? If so, how is that working? Great albums are sometimes like great books; with a unified story, characters, themes and (sometimes) a plot. But, just as often, these things are absent in great albums. For fuck's sake, don't think for a second that "great album" and "concept album" are interchangeable. This misconception alone is responsible for the plethora of Pink Floyd fans ruining America for the past 35 years. And, for god's sake, don't confuse recognizable music with good music just because someone else knows the lyrics to some stupid pop songs. Remember: Other people are idiots. They are the enemies of good taste. Lastly, keep in mind that greatest hits albums are for housewives & little girls.

Step 6) Let go of your concept of genres/learn to accept change

When I was a punkass teenager, I read an article in Guitar World or Alternative Guitar or something of the ilk that scared the piss out of me. The article was about the death of rock music. They interviewed a bunch of "post-rock" bands. These bands, all of which I had never heard of at the time, firmly believed rock was dead. Almost immediately, I dismissed these bands as being completely insane. After all, we had a new Metallica album! And The Offspring were still going strong! And there was new music by U2 & Collective Soul…

..shit…

After a time, that article haunted my waking moments. I kept a lookout for this subversive post-rock-thing that would try to destroy my precious rock music. I held on so tightly to the genre I thought I loved that I ignored the fact that "post-rock" slowly became "indie rock." And while I still think indie-rock is a ridiculous term for a subgenre, I don't doubt its existence, and I certainly don't begrudge the much-needed changes to music industry that it helped instigate. Also, not all of it sucks.

Similarly, I used to listen to a few bands that crossed that grey line into "industrial" territory. I tried like hell not to like them. Not because they were bad, but because I knew once I took that step, I'd be just a tiny bit away from falling into the electronica trap. And, once there, I knew my balls would retract into giant sagging labia and guys named Isaac would try to stuff their meaty fingers into my sagging ballsac/pussy while the merciless bass droned on and on and on. But, thankfully, that only happened once. (Tip: Don't wear a shimmering silver skirt to a rave!) I can now confess to my shrink (whose fingers are like cheddarwursts that have been in the microwave for 30 seconds too long) that I like some industrial/electronica music. The point is, get over the whole "genre" thing. It's silly.

Step 7) Take Another Look at One Hit Wonders

You can be sure as shit that 99% of these bands didn't think they only had one good song when they released their albums. Just ignore the charts entirely; they don't mean shit. After all, the most popular Beatles song of all time ("A Day in the Life") was a b-side to a song that never went higher that #63 in the charts. Also, a band like Chumbawamba gets dismissed outright because "Tubthumping" was a huge success (and overused in shit like the Home Alone 3 trailer), ignoring entirely their anarcho-punk/folk roots. Dig deeper! Keep Improving!

Step 8) When exploring a new band, try out their first couple albums

This might seem ridiculously pretentious on my part, but the truth is that if you like a band, the general rule of thumb is that they probably mastered their sound during their first two albums. (As a bonus, even if the band's first two albums are complete shit, people will be afraid to call you on it if you claim that this is their best stuff! You simply can't lose.)

Step 9) Once you find something you like, explore it more.

Hooray! You found a new band! What decade are they from? Where did they perform? Did they collaborate with other people in the same area/the same era? Did they spinoff into other groups? Who influenced them? Who was influenced by them? Look into this shit. It's important. There will be should be a quiz later.


Step 10) Become a name dropper

It's a scientific fact that if you drop the name of an obscure post-punk band into polite conversation, 89% of the people will think you're a pretentious dick. However, when the opportunity arises to discuss a band you actually give a shit about with one or two people, you should absolutely seize the moment. Fuck the naysayers who can't get over their memories of eating Papa John's in their dorm room while Incubus blared over their never-ending GoldenEye campaigns on the N64. These people might as well be dead nowadays. But you...you're now prepared to talk about music with people who almost know what the fuck they're talking about! And that's all that really matters.

After a much-needed break from this place I'm ready to get back on that blogging horse again.  I'm ready to boot EoC back up to the mediocre blog it once was.  But more importantly I'm ready to bring back the esoteric style of Thunder Matt's Saloon.  In the past month or so I've gone back through the old archives at TMS, reading posts from 2007 and 2008.  I couldn't help but laugh like a bastard at some of the old classics we wrote.  Forever it seems I've tried to drive TMS and now EOC away from the oddball crap and towards the true content we claimed to cover, which I've been told is the Chicago Cubs.

But I've realized something.  I'm a moron.

I love the Cubs, and I enjoy writing a blog about the Cubs.  But what I really enjoyed was that our crew has always had free reign to write about virtually anything else on their mind.  And for the most part, the small contingency of loyal readers we had seemed to enjoy that as well.

There's no which way around it.  We are a terrible Cubs blog.  But we were once a truly great terrible Cubs blog.  And with a little effort and renewed fire, we can achieve that greatness again.

Now who's with me?

Exile on Clark Street Part II: Back to Esoterica