In this popular, semi-monthly segment, we examine questions in regards to the Cubs that are literally burning in people's brains. Have no fear...we're here to provide the bucket of water to douse that fire, although I fear your burns may prove to be fatal anyway.

This week's question comes from Aaron in St. Louis:

I can't help but notice that there is something different about Randy Wells, compared to many of the big name starting pitchers in baseball, such as Josh Beckett and A.J. Burnett. Maybe it's his windup, or his presence on the mound? Is it his out pitch? Anyway, I'm not quite sure what it is, and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same way when they watch Wells pitch?

First off, let's not get ahead of ourselves. A.J. Burnett is by no means a "big name" pitcher. He's just a regular name that happens to play in New York.

Your question had us perplexed for a while, Aaron. Unfortunately Randy was unreachable during the team's road trip to New York, but we sat in the EOC War Room and broke down tape of his starts this season. We thought we had it nailed right away when we realized that Wells never uses the rosin bag. That theory was later shot down though, as you clearly see him go to it in the fourth inning of his second start, and then multiple times afterward. He showed consistent command and control of his pitches, and was surprisingly efficient when falling behind in the count. While everything seemed ordinary, something was still a bit peculiar...and then we finally nailed it.

Aaron, what you're seeing, or actually not seeing in the case of Randy Wells, is an oversized, obnoxious hemp necklace. At no point this season has Randy donned this abortion of a fashion statement that so many young pitchers, such as Josh Beckett, wear as if it were a badge of honor. The photos below lend a little insight. When you watch Randy Wells pitch, what you are not seeing is a hippy-dippy, designer piece of string flopping around like a prostitute's vagina when a 30 mile per hour gust comes in off Lake Michigan. This is not just our opinion, either. Look at the stats:

Randy Wells: 2.49 ERA through 25.1 innings, 5 BB, 19 K
Josh Beckett: 7.22 ERA through 28.2 innings, 13(!) BB, 20 K

Small sample size? Sure, but it's not rocket science. How can one pitch effectively, let alone be taken seriously at their profession, when they have an ass load of puka shells hanging off their neck? Would Don Draper walk into his place of business wearing that nonsense? No, they'd call him a queer and run his prissy ass right out of town.

Maybe we're old fashioned here at EOC, but we firmly believe that America needs more outstanding young men shaping our nation's future baseball's future, sans female or hippy clothing accessories. We commend Randy Wells for his conservative and status quo convictions.

Just like we did last year on TMS with the Summer Internship, we are once again looking for some interested candidates that have the motivation and drive to come blog with us.  Only difference this year is we're not looking for interns but someone to be a full-time writer with us.

Because I'm lazy I will just copy and paste what I wrote last year for the intern search with some slight revisions.

We're looking for 1 or 2 motivated bloggers that would like to come aboard and begin writing for an "established" Cubs blog.

• Have you ever wanted to write for a blog but haven't found the time or know-how to get up and running?
• Have you in the past, or currently wrote your own personal blog but have become discouraged by the lack of traffic/notice your work is receiving, or have you burned out trying to single-handedly keep fresh content up?

If either of those have ever happened to you than this is the perfect opportunity.

Excited? Well you f'n should be! Let's go over some of the rules and criteria for the Intern program new writer position.

• This is not a paid job, in fact we'll probably try to bum money off of you.
• Must be 21 years of age to be considered.
• Must have a good sense of humor and not be easily offended or insulted.
• Must be a fan of the Chicago Cubs.
• Must have a solid base of pop culture knowledge in some capacity (i.e. music, movies, books, televison, comic books, s&m pornography, etc.).
• Must be committed to writing at least 1 blog post a week minimum.
• Whoever we "hire" will be put on a probationary 3 month trial.  You know, in case you turn out to be a raging psychopath.  We already have plenty of those on staff already.
• Must have a Gmail account.
• Must possess competent writing skills.
• Must be able to drink Old Style without complaint or remorse for your liver and colon.
• Accepted applicant will receive a free shot of Malört* which can be redeemed at Thunderfist 2010.

Still in? Then drop us a line at exileonclark[at]gmail.com and specify your interest. We'll take applications until Friday May 5th. Then we'll pool the applicants together and put them through a series of challenges. Open-hand slapfighting with Ginger Russ, scotch drinking with Wolter, spinach eating with T.R., shirtless arm wrestling** with Goreo, and other various feats of strength may be part of the agenda.

*No you will drink it!  Don't be such a pussy!

Comic from Toothpaste for Dinner

Wow, what a finish to a great series. As expected, the Nashville Predators came out swinging in the first period of Game 6 yesterday night. Despite the Blackhawks scoring first on a shot from Duncan Keith, the Predators hung tough, tying the score on a Shea Weber goal. The Hawks would then score twice, the first coming on a bizarre play in which Brent Seabrook fired the puck down the wall, intending to dump it in, only to see it ricochet off Patrick Kane's foot into the open net, stunning Nashville goalie Pekka Rinne. Patrick Sharp would then score with assists from Seabrook and Marion Hossa, who was booed loudly by the Nashville fans every time he touched the puck.

But the first period craziness didn't end there. Denied by the Hawk's penalty kill all series, the Predators finally pushed one past Antti Niemi. Captain Jason Arnott, held scoreless in the playoffs, scored with an assist from Patric Hornqvist, the Predators' leading scorer. Hornqvist was playing in his first playoff game of the year, having suffered an injury. Arnott would connect again to tie the score at three apiece with 55 seconds remaining. But the deadlock would be short-lived as Johnny Toews would score the Blackhawks' fourth goal of the period on a power play 24 seconds later.

The score stayed at 4-3 for the remainder of the game as both goalies settled down. The Predators killed off five consecutive penalties in the 2nd as the Hawks failed to capitalize, outshooting Nashville 16-4 in the period. The Preds would get their chances in the third period, outshooting Chicago 15-2 as the Hawks committed three penalties in a row. Antti Niemi was outstanding once again, finishing the night with 25 saves in 28 chances. John Madden would add an empty net goal with 48 seconds remaining to seal the series victory. Neither goalie allowed a goal after the high-scoring first period.

Nashville and Pekka Rinne were outstanding opponents and thankfully the Hawks were able to seal the deal without there being a need for a Game 7. They move on to Round 2, where they will face the hated Vancouver Canucks, who have been spoiling for this matchup since Chicago ousted them from the playoffs last year. This should be a very physical series and hopefully the Hawks continue to play smart hockey and avoid the temptation to skirmish with the Canucks.

There's been a new buzz word swirling around the Cublogoverse lately - "small sample size". Wait, that's 3 words. What do you call it when you have a group of words functioning as a single unit in the syntax of a sentence? Anyway, it seems this "word" is being used to describe everything concerning the Cubs and I'm not just talking about our shortstop's package.

Over the weekend the Cubs swept the Brew-Crew and went from a half game out of last place in the division to second place, only 2.5 games out from the Cards. I was listening to the DP Show this morning (that's Dan Patrick, the other DP show comes on after two in the morning) and they were interviewing the GM of the Rays. He was discussing that even though the team made it to the WS a couple years ago, what handcuffed them last year was a slow start in a tough division. Now I'm not saying the NL Central is anywhere near as competitive as the AL East, but there is something to be said about getting off to a good start and not trying to play catch up.

That being said, let's look at how the Cubs have fared for the first 1/10th of the season so far, and what "small penis sample sizes" look promising:

1. Venezuelan Precious. Although the nickname has yet to catch on, no one would have suspected at the beginning of the year the Carlos being sent to the pen would be Zambrano and not Silva. I logged onto Cubs.com this afternoon and was shocked by what I saw. I knew Silva was pitching well, but 2-0 with a sub 1.00 ERA? That's about as unpredictable as an EOC "Burning Cubs Question" post. So far this looks like a genius move on Hendry's part. Fuck, now I have to go wash out my mouth for saying that.

2. El Toro Loco In The Pen. Sure it was one outing lasting 1.1 innings. And yes, he did give up a run. And okay, his first pitch as a reliever was a slider, but Zambrano might actually be holding up his deal to be more mature this season. For most, the Zambrano experiment will hopefully be a short one, but for now it looks like the plan might actually be working. Of course saying that is like saying you are going to get laid on a first date just because the girl remembers your name, but it's promising in the least.

3. The Riot. Everybody hated Theriot going into this year. I don't know if it's just people still crying over the DeRosa trade, but the "kid" was getting a lot of flack. But a slow start has turned into a .329/.372/.392 line. Hey Bad Kermit, what's your Theri-ot-meter look like now?

4. Little Hitters, Big Numbers. Big Hitters, Little Numbers. What a difference a series makes. A team that had zero offense coming into the weekend is now sporting eight players hitting .300 or higher (Theriot, Byrd, Soriano, Fukudome, Soto, Colvin, Hill and Wells), while the corner infielders aren't even breaking the Mendoza line. Is this what the Cubs are? Hard to tell, it's such a "small sample size".

5. Marmol An Effective Closer? So far this year he is 3 for 4 in saves and has only given up one run on five hits. What's more exciting is his walk to strikeout ratio which stands at 4/19. For a guy who at the end of last year was so wild that teams finally figured out to beat him you just didn't have to swing the bat, he is looking to have the stuff we all knew he was capable of.

6. EOC - The Cubs Blog. When TMS changed venues and brought on a couple new bloggers including myself, this Cubs blog might have lost some of it's esotericy (esotericy?), but has thus far seemed successful. What will the rest of the season have in store, you might ask. Just don't change that dial.

Go Cubs!

In a futile attempt to revive a short-lived feature I started back at TMS long ago, I bring you the Gracies and Neifis, 2010 Edition. Basically it's a "Who's hot and Who's not" in the world of baseball over the past week. I think I made it to week nine last time I tried this before giving up. This time I'm determined to at least get to week ten before I more than likely give up.

Week Three (4/19 - 4/25)

THE GRACIES - The cream of the crop this past week

CATCHER: Kurt Suzuki (OAK) - Kurt got Saturday and Sunday off, but he came up huge earlier in the week going 6/14 in 4 games with 3 home runs and 7 RBI.  Looks like Oakland may have the next Terry Steinbach on their hands.

FIRST BASE: Kendry Morales (LAA) - Someone get a bucket of water, this Cuban kid is on fire! 13/24 this past week (.524 AVG) with 3 homers and 10 RBI.  The Angels are like some international A-Team.  You got Morales (Cuban), Matsui (Japanese), Hunter (Black), and Abreu (Venezuelan).  Then you got Brandon Wood as the nerdy white guy with no discernible skills.  Brandon gets to drive the van, sometimes.

SECOND BASE: Kelly Johnson (ARI) - After an abysmal season last year, most folks had written off Kelly Johnson.  The remaining few asked "Who the hell is Kelly Johnson?"  Well take notice now, as Kelly has been rejuvenated in the Arizona desert.  Jay Bell eat your heart out.

THIRD BASE: Mark Reynolds (ARI) - .421 AVG on the week with 3 homers and 11 RBI.  Mark even swiped a bag.  The D-Backs are always happy when Reynolds can get more hits than strikeouts in a week.

SHORTSTOP: Ryan Theriot (CHC) - What a difference a week makes.  After Monday's game in New York, Theriot's AVG had plummeted to .222 while his OBP was .271.  Not exactly "lead-off" material. One week and five straight multi-hit games later, Theriot has brought both numbers up to a robust .329 and .372 respectively.

OUTFIELD: Ryan Braun (MIL), Michael Bourn (HOU), Colby Rasmus (STL) - It's an all-NL Central outfield this week.  Braun's week was a tale of two series.  Going a ridiculous 7/11 with 2 homers, 8 RBI and 3 SB in just three games against Pittsburgh, before batting 1/11 in three against the Cubs.  Michael Bourn had only one SB in his first twelve games.  He stole seven in his last six.  Like Theriot, Rasmus had a huge slumpbusting week.  Taking his AVG from .188 heading into last Monday, to .294 after yesterday's game in San Francisco.

STARTING PITCHER: Barry Zito (SF) - Can emerging out of mediocrity be considered worthy of a possible Comeback Player award?  Zito so far this season has been outstanding.  Saturday's outing against St. Louis was further proof of that as Zito pitched eight innings of 3-hit ball and struck out 10 en route to a 2-0 win.

RELIEF PITCHER: Francisco Rodriguez (NYM) - Rodriguez struck out 7 in 4.2 innings of work and went 3/3 in save opportunites this week, bringing his total saves on the season to.....3.


THE NEIFIS - Desperately in need of a Slumpbuster

CATCHER: Bengie Molina (SF) - 3/20 week from a guy that bats in the 5 spot regularly is not good.  Meanwhile Buster Posey is hitting .353 in Fresno right now.

FIRST BASE: Chris Davis (TEX) - Davis went 1/12 in three games last week, dropping his AVG to .188 and earning himself a ticket to AAA Oklahoma City.  His replacement, Justin Smoak has yet to collect a major league hit in his first three games.

SECOND BASE: Aki Iwamura (PIT) - 2/25 week with no runs, home runs or RBI.  Classic Pirates!

THIRD BASE: Aramis Ramirez (CHC) - Two hits in his last 25 at bats.  It's just painful to watch Aramis struggle this much.  Here's to hoping he breaks out of it soon.  I'm tired of Len and Bob trying to positively spin things.  "Well, he's hitting the ball hard...."

SHORTSTOP: Yunel Escobar (ATL) - What the hell man?  I drafted you in various fantasy leagues for your good average and ability to produce runs.  1/16 this week, dropping your AVG to .188 on the season is not what I had in mind.  I'd be a little more forgiving if you stole bases, but alas you're the only shortstop in the league that doesn't.

OUTFIELD: Eugenio Velez (SF), Rick Ankiel (KC), Lastings Milledge (PIT)  - Velez's lack of hitting has to make Giants fans wishing Aaron Rowand would get back as soon as possible.  The Royals team AVG is still the best in the majors this season, no thanks to Rick Ankiel of course.  The former wild pitcher/juicer went 1/17 this week.  Lastings Milledge.  Perhaps all the prospect hype was merely in your crazy name.  Although going 2/19 with one RBI is a slugfest compared to Aki Iwamura.

STARTING PITCHER: Charlie Morton (PIT) - Two starts last week for a combined 4 innings of work, giving up 11 hits, 5 walks, 10 earned runs, while striking out only 3.  With Ross Ohlendorf still on the DL and Chris Jakubauskas getting his face annihilated by a Lance Berkman line drive on Saturday, Morton's job in the rotation is still likely secure for now.

RELIEF PITCHER: Octavio Dotel (PIT) - Granted the Pirates had zero save opportunities last week, Dotel still got in to pitch the 9th in the 20-0 bloodbath against the Brewers.  In one inning of work, Dotel surrendered 5 hits, 1 walk, 4 runs, 2 of which were earned.

For the second year in a row, the Blackhawks return to the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Last year on TMS, as Arcturus, I brought you recaps via the Gist on Ice. Now as Goreo, I present to you Exile on Madison, which is essentially the same thing, only with a snazzy new name.

At one point in the game on Saturday, the Blackhawks led the Nashville Predators 3-1. Then things went very wrong. Three Nashville goals later, the Hawks found themselves down 4-3. With 1:43 left on the clock, Marion Hossa was assessed a 5 minute major penalty for boarding Nashville's Dan Hamhuis. Things looked very bleak indeed. Nashville went on the power play as the clock wound down. The Hawks managed to get the puck down to the Predators' end and with 13.6 seconds remaining, Patrick Kane tied the game, scoring on a Jonathon Toews rebound. With Nashville still on the power play, the game moved into overtime. The Blackhawks were able to kill the penalty and move once again into Predator territory. Fresh from the penalty box, Marion Hossa was able to slip a shot past Nashville goalie Pekka Rinne for the sudden death win.

What a crazy game. The Hossa penalty is probably going to remain controversial, despite the league's decision not to suspend him. The hit in question did look similar to the one Alex Ovechkin delivered to the Hawks' Brian Campbell earlier this season. Campbell suffered a broken collarbone and Sunday was just his second game since the incident. Ovechkin was kicked out of the game and suspended for two more, whereas Hossa only received a 5 minute major and no suspension. Hossa said that he was unable to stop his motion as he was going for the puck and shoved Hamhuis into the boards. Hossa did appear to be concerned about Hamhuis, leaning over him after play was stopped.

It's awesome that the Hawks were able to come back and win in such a spectacular fashion, but it's a little concerning that they pissed away a 2 goal lead like they did. Goalie Antti Niemi has been really damn good, but could use a little more help from his defense, especially in removing opposing players who attempt to screen his vision. The Hawks also need to work harder on avoiding turnovers. The series returns to Nashville tonight, where the Blackhawks hope to put the Predators away. They'll need to be on top of their game, as the Preds figure to come out hard.

Hey kids, it's 2010 and baseball has begun. Do you know what that means? That's right, it''s time once again for the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society! We sure had a lot of fun last year, didn't we? America's favorite bearded disfigured catcher is back for another go-round with the Cubs and he's gotten off to a scalding start. Koyie is currently hitting .308 with 4 hits in 8 games. If you remember from last year, that means that I'll remove 4 squares from the picture below. As a special bonus, Koyie hit a triple the other day, (which will probably never happen again) so I'll remove 3 more squares, one for each base! Awesome!

Koyie Hill Fast Fact: Koyie Hill punched Hitler, which is how WWII really ended. Yes, Koyie Hill can travel through time. Deal with it.

For the second year in a row, the Blackhawks return to the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Last year on TMS, as Arcturus, I brought you recaps via the Gist on Ice. Now as Goreo, I present to you Exile on Madison, which is essentially the same thing, only with a snazzy new name.

After a disappointing Game 3, the Blackhawks regrouped for Game 4 in Nashville. Spurred by the return of defenseman Brian Campbell, who suffered a broken collarbone after a hit from Capitals star Alex Ovechkin six weeks ago, the Hawks pulled out a much needed victory.

Patrick Sharp drew first blood in period one with a power play goal. The captain, Johnny Toews, would score in the second, chipping in a nifty pass from Marion Hossa. Sharp would score his second later in the period, rifling a sniper shot past Nashville goalie Pekka Rinne who, by the way, has been goddamn fantastic in this series, really shutting down the Hawks' high-powered offense.

Once again Hawks' rookie netminder Antti Niemi was superb, stopping 33 Predator shots. Both Hawks’ playoff victories have come courtesy of a Niemi shutout. Defensemen Niklas Hjalmarsson and Brent Sopel again contributed many blocked shots of their own, aiding their young goaltender. Brian Campbell may have only played for 14 minutes in last night's game, but his presence might have been the emotional lift the Blackhawks were looking for. The series returns to Chicago Saturday afternoon. It may just come down to who the best Finnish goalie is, as Niemi and Rinne have both been spectacular.

We're gearing up for the Second Annual Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. If you're not familiar with the COYBR, last season we had 32 former Cubs battle head to head in a rather arbitrary online bracket. Glenallen Hill cruised through the bracket to lay claim to the inaugural title.

Well Glenallen is back to defend his title in this year's installment of Battle Royale. Along with the champ the following 15 players from last year will be returning as well:

• Keith Moreland, Steve Trout, Dwight Smith, Mike Bielecki, Joe Borowski, Turk Wendell, Mark DeRosa, Rey Sanchez, Kyle Farnsworth, Les Lancaster, Scott Sanderson, Doug Dascenzo, Rick Wilkins, Brian McRae, Kevin Foster

Not returning this year and deemed ineligible to compete until 2011 are the following 16 guys who lost in the first round last year.

• Damon Berryhill, Bob Scanlan, Steve Buechele, Frank Castillo, Terry Adams, Kevin Tapani, Todd Walker, Jim Bullinger, Ricky Gutierrez, Derrick May, Scott Servais, Dave Martinez, Corey Patterson, Luis Salazar, Ronny Cedeno, Jacque Jones

Now that we have that established it's time for you, the readers to help us pick a field of 16 new players for 2010 to battle it out against the 16 returning guys from last year. Please fill out the ballot below to cast your votes for the new 2010 COYBR entrants. Only the players listed on the ballot are eligible. No write-in votes are allowed.

A publicly funded organization that cares for poor and disabled adults is suing Miami baseball legend Andre Dawson, alleging that his family's funeral home business reneged on a deal to provide prepaid memorial services and burials for deceased clients.

One man's corpse lay in limbo for weeks because Dawson's Grace Memorial Funeral Home refused to accept the remains, according to a lawsuit filed Wednesday in Miami-Dade Circuit Court.

Zambrano to the bullpen?

GOD.

DAMN.

IT.


This is the stupidest idea in history, Lou.

I'd analyze it further, but you are making me want to punch myself in my own dick for ever following this festering sore of a team. I'm this close to rooting for the Nationals. At least they still have hope.

This is a desperate move by a manager that now seems clueless to me. It can only create ill will with Zambrano, and lower any market value he might have had otherwise.

God, I hate this team.

For the second year in a row, the Blackhawks return to the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Last year on TMS, as Arcturus, I brought you recaps via the Gist on Ice. Now as Goreo, I present to you Exile on Madison, which is essentially the same thing, only with a snazzy new name.

(And yes, the picture to the right is Nikolai Khabibulin, and yes, I do know he's no longer a Hawk. Every time the Hawks lose, I picture an angry, drunken Khabibulin hurling pucks at his television in a frenzied rage, hence the picture, to be used whenever the Hawks lose a game)

The Blackhawks looked flat last night as the Predators scored four against rookie netminder Antti Niemi. Niemi didn't look bad, but like Carlos Zambrano, he didn't get much offensive support from his teammates. Tomas Kopecky scored the only Blackhawk goal, while David Legwand, Joel Ward, Shea Weber, and Martin Erat all scored for the Preds.

The Hawks need to come out strong Thursday night and up their intensity level. It's frustrating to see such a high energy team play like they're skating in mud. They need to stop the fancy passing and drive to the net, as well as stop taking stupid penalties. If they don't, this series is going to be over in a hurry, as the defensively strong Predators and their stellar goalie, Pekka Rinne, are going to slam the door.

It's a good thing the Bulls didn't play last night, just so Chicago Sports didn't suffer a triple embarrassment. At least Sox fans got to see the Pale Hosers end the Rays' 7 game winning streak. If only that provided some kind of comfort for me.

According to MLBTradeRumors, the Orioles have signed Corey Patterson (willingly), and he is reporting to extended spring training. Why, pray tell, would they do such a thing? Because they have an open roster spot due to Felix Pie's DL stint. As you can see in the image, Corey is as confused as we are.

Wrap your mind around it: future Cubs supposed All-Star and Hall of Famer-to-be Corey Patterson was traded to the Orioles, making way for future Cubs supposed All-Star and Hall of Famer-to-be Felix Pie. Pie was then traded by the Cubs to the Orioles because he was not the man that the Cubs thought Corey Patterson would be. And now Patterson has been signed again by the Orioles in hopes of replacing the dreams envisioned by the Cubs and Orioles, embodied by one Felix Pie.

In other words: Andy MacPhail FAIL

Word around the Internets is that an NL pitcher is on the verge of being suspended by Major League Baseball for a PED violation. No clue yet as to if it is a starting pitcher or a reliever, but if the above link is to be believed, it is a "semi-big" name as opposed to a "huge" name.

The offender could not possibly be a Cubs pitcher, for several obvious reasons:

1. We do not have a pitcher that could be classified as "semi-big". Jim Hendry has sought to complement our offense with only pitchers that fall into the "serviceable" and "overhyped" categories. (See: Samardzija, Jeff)

2. There is no way it could be a Cubs reliever. To have broken league rules and used an illegal PED, it would logically be concluded that said pitcher improved their performance. There is no Cubs reliever that has thus far improved, much less proven anything except for the ability to emotionally and physically combust on the mound.

3. Cubs players and management are never "looking for that extra edge". They prefer to wallow in mediocrity and make excuses, thank you very much.

The truth will come out soon enough, and we will laugh at and mock the culprit. Here's to hoping it's a member of the Cardinals.

UPDATE: Turns out it was Edinson Volquez. Could it have been less relevant? Like Mark Prior taking beef roids?

As if the Angel Pagan home run wasn't enough to make me lose all hope of a Cubs win last night. Lou had to trot Jeff Samardzija out there to insure I would enjoy watching the game even less.

We rant and rave over bad contracts this team has, most notably Alfonso Soriano. But seriously look at this shit:

Jeff Samardzija rhp
5 years/$10M (2007-11), plus 2012 & 2013 club options

• 5 years/$10M (2007-11), plus 2012 & 2013 club options
  
• signed Major League contract with Cubs 1/07, giving up football
• $2M signing bonus
• 10:$3M
  
• no-trade clause
  
• total value may reach $16.5M with exercise of options
• must return bonus & much of remaining $10M if he returns to football
• drafted 2006 (5-149) (Notre Dame)
• signed 6/06, $1M signing bonus (may increase to $7.25M if Samardzija chooses to play baseball over football)
• agent: Mark Rodgers
  
• ML service: 0.152

*courtesy of Cot's Baseball Contracts

What the hell is that shit? How can someone that has literally shown nothing in his time playing for the club get that much money? Watching the tall trainwreck on the mound last night, I cringed when I heard the ESPN announcers talk about him. "He's got great stuff, but hasn't put it together yet." Translation: He can throw a ball hard and that's about it. Why is this guy in a major league uniform?

And even if he comes to terms that he's not cut out for baseball, why would he go play football instead if he has to forfeit millions of dollars to do so?

I'm choking on my own rage here. Seeing Samardzija pitching in relief is a god damn travesty. Surely there has to be someone in AAA that could take his place. Or at the very least send him down when Lilly comes back and let Sloth Gorzelanny become a middle reliever instead.

In a futile attempt to revive a short-lived feature I started back at TMS long ago, I bring you the Gracies and Neifis, 2010 Edition. Basically it's a "Who's hot and Who's not" in the world of baseball over the past week. I think I made it to week nine last time I tried this before giving up. This time I'm determined to at least get to week ten before I more than likely give up.

Week Two (4/12 - 4/18)

THE GRACIES - The cream of the crop this past week

CATCHER: Ivan Rodriguez (WAS) - He may not hit for power any more, but the 38 year old first ballot HOF shoo-in can still hit the ball with authority. Pudge went 10/21 this past week with 7 runs and 7 RBI and even swiped a base.

FIRST BASE: Carlos Pena (TB) - Pena had 3 homers and 9 RBI as he punished Baltimore and Boston. He also hit .292 in that span which is like batting .500 for Carlos Pena.

SECOND BASE: Chase Utley (PHI) - Five home runs in the span of 4 games. Utley could be a Triple Crown contender if he played the Nationals all the time.

THIRD BASE: Ty Wigginton (BAL) - I know he's playing 2B more than 3B for the Orioles, but I could not ignore Wigginton this week. The journeyman infielder went off this week, hitting 4 home runs and knocking in 10 runs. Too bad Baltimore only won one game during this stretch.

SHORTSTOP: Derek Jeter (NYY) - You're allowed to hate the guy, but you can't deny that he's a ridiculously good hitter. Jeter went 11/22 against the Angels and Rangers. That's a .500 AVG for you folks not sharp with the math. Add three home runs to the mix and you've got Yankee fans skeeting all over the place.

OUTFIELD: Shin-Soo Choo (CLE), Matt Kemp (LAD), Jose Guillen (KC) - .579/3/11 for Choo. If he keeps that up he's for sure the top choice to be Cleveland's lone All-Star representative. Matt Kemp with four homers AND he dates Rihanna. Jose Guillen? We thought you were dead! Lo and behold you're just in baseball purgatory hitting like a god.

STARTING PITCHER: Ubaldo Jimenez (COL) - The UBallz has landed! Colorado fans and astute folks in the fantasy baseball world knew of Ubaldo Jimenez, but beyond that he was still in relative obscurity. One no-hitter later and UBallz-mania has taken Denver, nay America by storm. I also heard that Atlanta fans were booing once Jimenez made the final out to get his first no-no as well as the first in Rockies franchise history. Braves fans, keeping it classy as always!

I was going to pick another SP too, but felt UBallz should get the spotlight to himself this week. Besides, I don't want to acknowledge Adam Wainwright's awesome pitching skills anyway. That son of a bitch.

RELIEF PITCHER: Fernando Rodney (LAA) - 3 saves converted while filling in for the injured Brian Fuentes. That's great Fernando. Your reward for such great work is going back to the setup role when Fuentes comes back here shortly.


THE NEIFIS - Desperately in need of a Slumpbuster

CATCHER: Matt Wieters (BAL) - 3/23 over the past week. I smell breakout season!

FIRST BASE: Jeff Clement (PIT) - 0/15 week puts Clement's AVG at a scorching .103. Pittsburgh management's attempts to clone another LaRoche brother from sewer rat DNA have been unsuccessful.

SECOND BASE: Kaz Matsui (HOU) - 0/11 and has essentially lost his job to Jeff frickin' Keppinger. Time to commit seppuku.

THIRD BASE: Jhonny Peralta (CLE) - 1/17 week drops his AVG to .135. Mockery of how his name is spelled increases tenfold.

SHORTSTOP: Jason Bartlett (TB) - 2/23 puts Bartlett's AVG dangerously close to dropping below the Mendoza Line. It's like the kids say. You can't spell Jason Bartlett without "fluke statistical anomaly season". Or something like that.

OUTFIELD: Chris Coghlan (FLA), Carlos Lee (HOU), J.D. Drew (BOS) - The reigning NL ROY has been hitless in his last 19 at bats. Carlos Lee's bat has been dormant for so long now that fans have just assumed he's been on the DL all season thus far. J.D. Drew. Your failures are what keep me going in the morning.

STARTING PITCHER: Gavin Floyd (CHW) - After a not so hot start last Tuesday in Toronto, Floyd amped up the crappiness to 11 by giving up 7 runs on 6 hits and 4 walks to Cleveland yesterday. Floyd failed to get anyone out before being yanked in the second inning. Congratulations Gavin on overshadowing Handsome Aaron Harang's "pooped the bed" performance.

RELIEF PITCHER: Chad Qualls AND Juan Gutierrez (ARI) - Just remember kids, if you're feeling a bit down about Marmol's blown save yesterday, at least the Cubs don't have the Diamondbacks bullpen right now. After blowing back to back saves on Wednesday and Thursday, Chad Qualls was relieved of closing duties in favor of Juan Gutierrez....who proceeded to stink up the joint even more the following day. I'm waiting for them to resort to letting Bob Howry or Aaron Heilman close games. If there really is a God, this needs to happen.


Who's the Ultimate Gracie this Week?


Who's the Ultimate Neifi this Week?

For the second year in a row, the Blackhawks return to the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Last year on TMS, as Arcturus, I brought you recaps via the Gist on Ice. Now as Goreo, I present to you Exile on Madison, which is essentially the same thing, only with a snazzy new name.


The Cubs were in attendance for Game 1 vs. the Nashville Predators, which might explain why the Hawks lost the game late. The first period was scoreless as both Finnish goalies-Pekka Rinne for the Predators and rookie Antti Niemi for the home side-were solid. Patrick Kane managed to poke one past Rinne in the second period, much to the delight of the towel-waving Carlos Zambrano. The wheels fell off in the third as J.P. Dumont scored twice, the first coming on a slow bouncer that fooled Niemi and the second in the midst of a mad scramble around the Hawks' goal. The Preds would add two empty-netters in the final few minutes as the Hawks pulled Niemi in a bid to even the score. The final score would be Nashville 4, Chicago 1.


The White Sox showed up to watch Game 2, which started exactly the same way as the first, with neither side gaining an advantage in the first period. In the second, Patrick Kane struck again, putting the puck on Johnny Toews's stick, who then passed to Davey Bolland, who lifted it above the sprawling Pekka Rinne to give the Hawks the lead. Kane would add a goal of his own early in the third period, which was all the Blackhawks needed as Antti Niemi delivered the whitewash, stopping 23 shots on goal. Final score Nashville 0, Chicago 2.

The series continues on Tuesday, April 20th, as the Blackhawks head down to Nashville.

We're bringing you mediocre peanut gallery commentary for today's Cubs/Astros tilt. It's a blustery 50 degree day in Chicago, but a calm and temperate 68 degrees in our living room. Ryan Dempster squares off against Wandy Rodriguez, who will surely stymie our hitters. You're getting live updates bullet-point style, because time stamps are such a hassle.

• The wind is blowing straight in, so the Cubs are probably going to have to rely on the small ball. That is not necessarily a good thing.
• Baker is starting at 2B, and Nady is in RF. Right-handed heavy at the plate against Wandy. Wasn't Nady not supposed to play the field until June though? Does Baker have to run out to the warning track for the cutoff?
• If you're a fan of soft ground balls and pop ups, then ladies and gentlemen, these 2010 Astros are your team!
• With Fuku out, Byrd is again batting in the two hole.
• If this first inning is any indication, it will be a hell of a thing if anyone hits the ball out of the infield.
  
• Dempster's no-hitter is broken up by Hunter Pence in the second inning.
• Even when they get Berkman back, this Astros lineup is absolutely atrocious. Congratulations Pittsburgh, you will no longer be the bottom feeders in the NL Central. That has to be some sort of moral victory for Pirate fans.
• Sounds like Lilly has one more rehab start in Peoria tomorrow, then will join the club for a start against Milwaukee. Hopefully that bumps Gorzelanny and not Silva. Christ, I can't believe I just said that.
• ...and A-Ram breaks up Wandy's no hit bid.
• The classic Cubs baserunning continues, as Nady lines out to short, and A-Ram is doubled up at first.
• Kaz Matsui and Fukudome each have the day off. Well, Matsui's is somewhat of a permanent benching. They're on rival teams, but do you think they talk? Would anyone notice if they each left their dugout and went out for sushi together during the game?
• Bourn drew a walk, but Soto nailed him trying to steal on a pitchout and throw. Possibly saved a run there, as Keppinger followed it up with a solid base hit.
• Baker with a walk, and Soto with a sharp single. Dempster follows it up with a perfect sac bunt.
• Marlon Byrd! Earning that paycheck with a two out two-run single.
• Carlos Lee hitting a robust .114 on the young season. Well, less than that now as he just struck out.
• Len and Bob were just praising the virtues of Kevin Millar, Cub blogosphere Enemy #1. Apparently he's considering ending his illustrious career in the American Association baseball league, with the Saint Paul Saints. Godspeed you charismatic son of a bitch. Godspeed.
• Dempster strikes out the side in the fifth. Looking sharp.
• The Cubs are doing a pretty good job of sitting on the Wandy curveball. Dempster pushes over Soto with another successful bunt.
• Damn, Theriot smoked a liner back to Wandy that would have surely scored Soto had it gone through. Score remains 2-0 heading into the sixth.
• Dempster continues to mow down the Astros. Deer hunting season cannot come fast enough for this Houston squad.
• Another baserunning blunder, as Byrd is caught in a rundown after a Lee chopper back to the mound.
• Tyler Colvin replaces Nady in RF. SKEET!
• Harold "I Have Nothing Else To Do, Let's Make Another Ghostbusters Movie" Ramis is on deck for the stretch.
• Harold "Does Seth Rogan Need Me To Play His Dad In Another Movie?" Ramis is doing his best Jerry Garcia impersonation. In appearance, not musical stylings.
• Apparently Soriano has finally relented and ditched his little pre-catch hop. That's nice and all, but it won't make that contract look any better.
• Tommy Manzella (!) hits a slow dribbler up the middle and reaches first. The table is now set for further Astros failure and frustration.
• Colvin was in RF, and he chased a ball all the way down the line in LF. The man has no regard for time or space! Tyler Colvin Double SKEET!
• Quite the effort by Dempster today. Lou is pulling him after two outs in the eighth, in favor of a Marmol four-out save.
• ...and Keppinger promptly knocks in Manzella. Attack of the Killer Middle Infielders.
• Marmol regroups for a strikeout. On to the ninth...
• Hopefully we can wrap this up here and avoid our semi-weekly bout of Marmol-AIDS.
• Geoff Blum kills the Cubs again, tying the game with a double into the right field corner.
• Ryan Dempster? Not buying Marmol dinner tonight.
• Marmol-AIDS rules the day. Going into the bottom of the ninth...
• Fuku draws a walk with two outs to bring up Jeff Baker...
• Baker walks to bring up Koyie Hill, who replaced Soto earlier...
• Heading to the tenth inning. This game should be over, dammit.
• Marshall enters the game and promptly gives up a double to Jason Michaels...
• Sac fly by Pedro Feliz scores Michaels. Bullpen FAIL.
• Is it over yet? No? Theriot is called out on strikes for the second out. Very close to getting tossed for arguing the call.
• And that will do it. Cubs lose 3-2. No need to post the W flag graphic.

In a meager attempt to create a new weekly feature, we bring you the Friday Five. Each week the Exile staff will tackle various topics and come up with five things pertaining to it. The topics could be as pertinent as the Chicago Cubs to as completely offtrack as food or music.

If you could have one current player from any team to add to the Cubs' roster, who would it be and why? To keep it interesting, let's eliminate the obvious choice of Albert Pujols.

My choice: Shin-Soo Choo. He's a great fielder, hits around .300 and has power and speed. He reminds me a lot of Jason Bay when Bay broke in, before his knees went to shit and he lost the speed. It's also nice that Choo is a lefty who can actually hit. And his name is Shin-Soo Choo.

Wolter: Probably Tim Lincecum. Just because he's steak sauce awesome. I mean, I suppose I should be gunning for better offense, but to be honest, I think the runs will come. Plus, with the long hair, he's like a talented Snork from an alternate universe.

Runner-up choice: a shortstop that isn't Theriot. Any shortstop that isn't Theriot.

John: Give me Dustin Pedroia - I'm sick of even looking at the second base position lately. The Theriot/Baker/Fontenot midlde infield gives me indigestion. Imagine a Castro/Pedoria middle, with Lee and Ramirez on either side.

Runners up: Matt Wieters, because he's going to be amazing for a very long time, and Kosuke Fukudome stuck in an infinite April time loop.

Jake: Carl Crawford. Great speed and can hit for average. Plus it would finally give the Cubs a legitimate reason to bench Soriano for good.

T.R.: Why would you want anyone other than Chase Utley? Lefty pop, knows how to get on base, ends the 2B black hole. You could not ask for a more significant, lineup changing upgrade.

Tune in next week for another rousing edition of the Friday Five. Have a topic for The Friday Five to tackle? Email it to us at exileonclark@gmail.com.

The Cubs have a problem and his name is Alfonso Soriano. We've been watching Fonzie strut his stuff at Wrigley for the past three years now and I've done my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I've reached the end of my rope with this guy. We're only a couple of weeks into the season and Soriano has already mishandled more balls than a hooker with Parkinson's at Mardi Gras. Some of his errors have come back to bite the Cubs and cost them some ballgames. Clearly this cannot continue.

My biggest problem with Soriano is that it seems like he's stopped even trying. Some of the lackluster, half-assed attempts he's made for balls hit his way are flat out embarrassing. What really burns me is that he hasn't seemed to put in the effort to even learn how the ball reacts off the left field wall at his own ballpark. Christ, even Manny Ramirez learned how to work with the Green Monster, and Manny is one of the laziest players in the game. What's frustrating is that I still believe Soriano is athletic enough to where he could make himself into, at the least, a serviceable outfielder. He just seems completely disinterested in putting the work in to improve.

My other big problem with Soriano is his lack of focus. Half the time, he seems like he's daydreaming out there in the outfield. Whether he's thinking about the margaritas he's planning on enjoying after the game or thinking over his next soul-crushing at bat in his head, it's clear that the dude has the attention span of a hummingbird on meth. Some of the balls he's missing, it looks like he's missing them because by the time he realizes the ball is coming his way, he's got no time to react and make the play. This lack of focus is completely unacceptable for any major league player, let alone this shitstain who's making big bank off his dwindling skills.

Unfortunately, Soriano is virtually untradeable given the length and cost of his contract, so that means the Cubs are stuck with him. However, that doesn't mean that the Cubs need to play him. But they need to do something with him. Personally, I'd lock him in Wolter's burning barn with the Snork, but since the Cubs undoubtedly don't want to have to answer a lot of questions, allow me to suggest a less violent solution. Keep him on the major league roster, but send him back to Arizona or one of our minor league facilities for two months and allow Tyler Colvin to play. In Arizona, Soriano will train in the outfield for two months with Billy Williams. Only when Billy is satisfied with his fielding abilities will Alfonso be allowed to go to Iowa for a rehab assignment to get his hitting back up to speed. If Alfonso refuses to go, well he can just continue to ride the pine for the rest of the year. Fuck, if Lou Piniella was willing to put in some one on one time with Milton Bradley, surely the Cubs can do something like this for Alfonso, who at least isn't a complete asshole.

In the past, Soriano's bat has made up for some of his fielding mishaps. Last year and the beginning of this year, that hasn't been so. The Cubs can no longer justify running this guy out there everyday when he's a liability at the plate and in the field. I realize that my solution to the problem becoming reality is highly unlikely. At the very least, Lou finally had enough of Soriano's fielding gaffes. Whether something finally gets done remains to be seen., but the Cubs and Soriano need to make an effort to salvage the five remaining years of his contract.

Lots of good things to take away from todays 7-6 victory. Randy Wells continued to look great, striking out seven over 6 1/3 innings. Soto finally picked up the right bat and put one onto Waveland. More importantly, he had a great at-bat in the 8th inning that ended with a walk during a rally that started with the Cubs losing 6-3, two outs and nobody on base. Let's hope this trend continues. Even better, the four-run 8th inning came courtesy of one LaTroy Hawkins who, up until now, has looked like a serviceable setup man for the Brewers. Revenge like that is so sweet you could drizzle it over pancakes.

Derrek Lee sat this one out with a sore hand but it's nice to have a guy like Xavier Nady who can step up and hit in his absence. The other new guys (Baker, Byrd, and Colvin) all made good contributions and are making our bench look much better than I thought it would be. Finally, Marmol came in to close out the game and dealt the Brewers some absolutely filthy pitching. His fastball was up around 95 and his slider was bending and twisting in ways that I've only seen in a Canadian strip club. Three Ks later and we could be on our way to the first sweep of the young season.

The offense came to play in the home opener yesterday as the Cubs defeated the Brewers 9-5. While it wasn't quite a classic Cubs-Brewers slugfest, the day delivered homers from new Cub Xavier Nady, 2B Jeff Baker, and Aramis Ramirez. The Brewers got a longball of their own from noted homersexual Ryan Braun. Dempster gave up all five runs, but pitched well enough to secure the win.

Other good signs:

1. Marlon Byrd was 3-5 with a run scored and an RBI. And he's still not Milton Bradley.

2. The homer by Ramirez snapped an 0 for 17 skid.

3. James Russell, Snork, and Carlos Marmol combined to allow 1 hit (Russell, which did allow a Dempster baserunner to score) and 1 walk (Marmol) over 2.2 innings. Wolter's head explodes in shock.

4. The Cubs managed to put up some big numbers against Doug Davis, a soft tosser who has given them issues in the past.

I can only assume that like the past few years, the offense will continue in this feast or famine fashion. The series continues Wednesday.

In a futile attempt to revive a short-lived feature I started back at TMS long ago, I bring you the Gracies and Neifis, 2010 Edition. Basically it's a "Who's hot and Who's not" in the world of baseball over the past week. I think I made it to week nine last time I tried this before giving up. This time I'm determined to at least get to week ten before I more than likely give up.

Week One (4/3 - 4/11)

THE GRACIES - The cream of the crop this past week

CATCHER: Miguel Olivo (COL) - He's splitting time with Chris Iannetta so far this season but after going 5 for 11 with 2 homers, 3 RBI and a stolen base (compared to Iannetta's 1 for 12 week) the journeyman catcher may see more playing time.

FIRST BASE: Albert Pujols (STL) - .375 AVG, 4 home runs and 10 RBI to start the season. Bleh, get out of my life Albert.

SECOND BASE: Rickie Weeks (MIL) - 2 homers and a .368 AVG. Gotta love inflated stats early in the season. Weeks, a .248 lifetime hitter won't stay above the .300 mark for very long.

THIRD BASE: Placido Polanco (PHI) - .481 AVG leads the team right now. Also continues to lead the team in head circumference.

SHORTSTOP: Alex Gonzalez (TOR) - Better known as the "Alex Gonzalez that did not ruin the 2003 NLCS for us". Alex has kicked off a supreme home run battle with Albert Pujols. So far both are deadlocked with four home runs each. We'll keep you posted as this epic race continues this season. It's still early but this is shaping up to be the next Sosa vs. McGwire.

OUTFIELD: Nelson Cruz (TEX), Matt Holliday (STL), Vernon Wells (TOR) - Cruz and Wells both hit 4 home runs this week. Wells is a bit of a surprise as his play last season left fans with pretty low expectations. Matt Holliday hit 3 home runs and is carrying a fat .423 AVG. Of course Holliday gets the benefit of batting behind Pujols and thus should have a very Jeff Kent-ian season.

STARTING PITCHER: Tim Lincecum (SF) and Roy Halladay (PHI) - I may not even update this one all season. Let's just assume they are the best pitchers each week. Lincecum is 2-0 with 17 Ks and a 1.29 ERA. Halladay is 2-0 with 17 Ks and a 0.56 ERA.

RELIEF PITCHER: Jon Rauch (MIN) - 4 saves in 4 chances. Joe Nathan who?


THE NEIFIS - Desperately in need of a Slumpbuster

CATCHER: Gregg Zaun (MIL) - His lack of a base hit (0/14) is the only thing saving Geovany Soto from making this list.

FIRST BASE: Chris Davis (TEX) - Multihit game yesterday puts his AVG up to .211 now. Only 27 more points to go to reach his 2009 season AVG.

SECOND BASE: Adam Kennedy (WAS) - 3 for 19 on the season so far. Also he has to go through life as Adam Kennedy.

THIRD BASE: Brandon Wood (LAA) - 1 for 19 for a scorching .053 AVG. The Angels 3B of the future has arrived!

SHORTSTOP: Alexei Ramirez (CWS) - .182 in 22 at bats. The notoriously slow starter is starting slow again. He'll pick it up in another month or so. He's like the anti-Fukudome.

OUTFIELD: Jay Bruce (CIN), Julio Borbon (TEX), Milton Bradley (SEA) - Bruce is 1 for 19, with 0 runs, 0 RBI, 1 walk and 4 strikeouts. Borbon is 1 for 21 but at least had 2 RBI to his name. Milton is also 1 for 21 but his one hit was a home run. And in case you forget how many hits Bradley has so far, just ask him. He'll tell you how many.

STARTING PITCHER: Carlos Zambrano (CHC) - Sorry Z. I know you pitched well on Saturday and all, but that still won't keep you off this week's Neifi list. 6 hits, 2 walks, 2 homers and 8 earned runs in one and a third innings on Opening Day is rough. But you did manage to bring your ERA down in your second start from 54.00 to a less vomit inducing 11.88. So there's that.

RELIEF PITCHER: Frank Francisco (TEX) - 6 earned runs and 2 blown saves in 1 inning of work. That's amazing. Also remember that time he threw a chair and broke that woman's nose? Also his birthday is September 11. I'm not saying he's with Al Qaeda, I'm just saying....

Before you could cry "Wolverines!", the Reds broadsided the Cubs over the weekend to take two out of three from a series the Cubs could have swept. Here are nine things I learned over the weekend:

1. The demise of Carlos Zambrano has been highly exaggerated.

2. The Cubs would undoubtedly lose to a good college team.

3. The Cubs have scored a grand total of 3 lousy runs without benefit of the home run. 12 of their 15 runs have come courtesy of the dong.

4. Escargot, much like Snork, sucks at pitching. And who the fuck eats snails anyway, aside from the French?

5. Lou Pinella may finally have figured out that Alfonso Soriano can't catch a baseball. That's okay, because he doesn't really hit them anymore, either. 5 more years, kids. Thanks Jimbo.

6. Our best pitchers right now just might be Carlos Silva and Tom Gorzellany. Yikes. When Ted Lilly returns from his serial killer convention, maybe Silva should pitch the 8th. Just a thought.

7. Milton Bradley is still a dick. But I'm sure this is somehow Chicago's fault.

8. Sean Marshall is awesome. Maybe he should just pitch innings 6 through 8 every day.

9. Who the fuck is Drew Stubbs?

In a meager attempt to create a new weekly feature, we bring you the Friday Five. Each week the Exile staff will tackle various topics and come up with five things pertaining to it. The topics could be as pertinent as the Chicago Cubs to as completely offtrack as food or music.

We've had a couple games to see the bullpen in action, which was a huge source of contention in the offseason and during Spring Training. Snark and Grabow showed us that as usual the Cubs setup men can be scary, but as Marshall and Russell showed us, it can have it's bright spots as well. Which Cubs setup man (not including Marmol) do you feel is going to be most effective this year? You can include Gorzey, who we assume will move into the bullpen after TRL returns. Which will be gone by the end of April? Is there anyone in the minors who will shine at the major league level?

Goreo: Esmalin Caridad is going to be the 8th inning stud this year. He's got the stuff and the crazy name to be an effective setup man. Paired with Marmol, the Cubs are going to have a filthy combination at the back end of the pen, provided they ever get any leads to protect.

Editor's Note: The "official" EOC nickname of Esmalin is Escargot.

John:

Effective

Marshall - If we could get an entire season without him starting (and subsequently fucking up) a game against a divisional opponent, he might get some respect as a dependable releiver, which is all he's ever going to be.

Sloth Gorzelanny - Provided we keep that fat kid around to supply him with Baby Ruth bars, his retard strength should serve our bullpen well. Especially when that scary "Throw Momma From the Train" lady shows up. I think her name is LaRussa.

Esmailin Caridad - Looked phenomenal in the game Tuesday night. Of course, since he pitched directly after Grabow, I'm operating with Cubs Bullpen Beer Goggles(TM) here.

Boo-Urns

Jeff Samardzija - Give it a few days and we'll see the ND alums start to stick up for him with increasing dickheadishess. Oh, we haven't given him a chance, he's really a starter, his face is a disability that should allow him to start with a 1-2 count. None of it matters. Might want to go house hunting in Des Moines, bud.

Carlos Marmol - Not for anything he's done so much as the abject terror I'm going to find myself in when he eventually has to save a big game. Don't get comfortable, or his fastball will reach out and nail you in the face. I don't mean that figuratively.

Ginger Russ: Call me a homer, but I like this kid Russell. I previewed him during Spring Training and he has been lights out ever since. The only worry I have is that Lou will go to him more often and in more stressful situations, which might break down the kid. His dad, Jeff Russell was a professional closer though (and two time all-star), so let's hope he has cool water running in his blood.

Obviously Snark will be gone soon, let's hope with a come-backer to a shattered knee cap. Okay, after seeing the video and the x-rays, not even I am hateful enough to wish that upon someone. I will leave that to Wolter. Look for Andrew Cashner to get at least a couple trips up to the bigs this year as the Cubs bullpen starts to fall apart. Wait...starts?

Jake: Whoa, I didn't know that was Jeff Russell's kid. I have respect for anyone related to a player I can recall from my baseball card collecting days of the late 80's/early 90's.

Anyway what was the question? Oh setup men, right. At this point I think Caridad is becoming the emerging favorite for 8th inning duties. John Grabow is, was, and always has been overrated. I hope Grabow gets reduced to being a LOOGY most of the time and is not relied upon for full innings of relief. Jesus he came in for one at bat last night and failed miserably. Why did the Cubs re-sign him again? Oh because he's left-handed. Right. You know I think my dog might be left-handed too.

Well, just like the Cubs first series, we came up a little short this week. Let's call it Cubs depression. Tune in next week for another rousing edition of the Friday Five. Have a topic for The Friday Five to tackle? Email it to us at exileonclark@gmail.com.

After getting bludgeoned to death on opening day, and having the bullpen suckerpunch us in the second game, Randy Wells finally stepped up and said enough of this bullshit, shutting down the Braves en route to a 2-0 win for the Cubs. The more I see him pitch, the more I like Wells. His demeanor is like a right-handed Ted Lilly.

Tyler Colvin got the start in left field and made the most of the opportunity, hitting his first major league home run in the second inning. Who needs Nady? I look forward to seeing Tyler getting plenty of playing time once Fukudome goes into his annual June swoon.

Sean Marshall again pitches his ass off in relief followed up by Esmailin Caridad having a respectable outing as well. John Grabow? Ugh. Jeff Samardzija being on the roster is the only thing making me not hate you more.

Whoever picked the third game of the season in the "When Will Chipper Jones Get Injured?" pool, please come down and collect your prize.

Jason Heyward absolutely floundered against Carlos Marmol's slider. Perhaps he should offer Jobu some more rum.

The Cubs head to Cincinnati next for a weekend series against the Reds. Carlos Silva faces Homer Bailey to kick off the series tomorrow night. Hopefully Silva doesn't completely suck, although he seems like the type of pitcher that makes a Dusty Baker lineup look stupid so who knows. Anyway it's nice to get that first win under their belt.

Go Cubs!

There are times that I ask myself why the hell I'm a Cubs fan. For example: last Monday, 2005, 2006, and every goddamn September. I keep swearing I'm not going to put up with this bullshit anymore. But then I end up missing baseball. I'll say I'll follow another team - some AL team that isn't the White Sox. It never works. I just don't care about any other team. I often hate the team that I love, but I can't give them up. I guess I'm a lifer.

But that doesn't mean I can't give up on players. Oh, I'm really good at that. In the past decade alone I have given up on dozens of players. And the last decade was the best Cubs decade since their peak in the 1930s (I know Will Leitch thinks otherwise, but he is a fucking moron). I can't even imagine the ragedump I would take on the 1950s Cubs.

From Will Ohman to Neifi Perez, from Jacque Jones to Michael Barrett, from Milton Bradley to, well, Milton Bradley like 5 times over again, I have done my part towards wishing if not active death, then career-ending injuries on so many of the players that more Pollyanna-ish fans seem to think I should have faith in. Hell, I even have an arbitrary fatwa out against any Cub named Aaron, after Miles and Heilman stunk up the place so bad last year.

Which brings me to Aaron Samardzija.

Sorry, Jeff Samardzija. Force of habit.

I've been so distracted by other horrid Cubs since the Samad...um...Samardj...er...Smarch...Fuck it. I'm calling him Snork for the rest of this article, because he spells his name like an idiot. Not Shark, because sharks have fucking earned their respect by being emotionless, unstoppable killing machines, like Ted Lilly. No. Jeffy is a fucking Snork. He's just like the Snorks: useless, annoying, and only chicks should like him. Also he's clearly a ripoff of Kyle Farnsworth just like the Snorks were a ripoff of the Goddamn Smurfs. WHICH I ALSO HATED--

I'm...I'm getting...distracted. Sorry. My rage at this mulleted roster-clot is moving from white to blue hot. Let me start that last thought again...

I've been so distracted by other horrid Cubs since the Snork signing in 2007 that I really haven't had the energy to focus my hatred of him into the laserlike efficiency I expect from myself. Until now. His opening day ERA of 108 (no need for the decimals...ONE HUNDRED EIGHT) just confirmed what I have always suspected:

Snork is a huge waste of the Cubs fans' time and the Cubs ownership's money who was signed because he went to Notre Dame and also played football (TWO SPORTS! HE MUST BE GOOD!). That is it. That is all he has going for him. A $10,000,000.00 (LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY ZEROES!) no-trade contract in the 5th round? Man, he must have been really dominant in his final season of college ball. He must have...

Oh, go to hell, world.

A 4.33 ERA and a 1.41 WHIP? That's...unimpressive. At least once he signed to the Cubs, they gave him a chance to season and grow, and didn't...

AAUUUUUGHH!

After mediocre showings in AA and AAA ball, the Cubs called Snork right the hell up, huh? And they did what the Cubs always do when a player comes up and plays decent at first. They decided to stick by him come hell or high water. Even gave him a couple of starts. Let him amass a 7.53 ERA in almost 35 innings. And, being the Cubs, instead of realizing they may have rushed a guy who might never have the skills to be a useful player, and shipping him back down a few levels to give him time to grow, have done what they always do: put him right into the goddamn pen, where he can suck on toast until he has negative trade value, get's DFA'd, or dies after someone mysteriously locks him in a burning barn along with Fontenot and Theriot...

The Snork signing really is emblematic of the shitty scouting, shitty development, and shitty life skills that Cubs upper management has displayed over the past...I dunno...60 years. There was no reason to offer that much money to someone who has shown nothing but Neal Cottsian levels of pissing me the fuck off. No metric I've seen and no independent analyst I've heard or read has said Snork would ever be anything but a journeyman. So what do the Cubs do? GIVE HIM MORE MONEY THAN I WILL PROBABLY EVER SEE IN MY LIFETIME TO PLAY A SPORT HE IS CLEARLY OUTCLASSED IN.

You know what else sucks? Snork looks like one of those pudwhacks in the puka-shell necklaces that listened to a ton of DMB in college, pulled tail like you wouldn't believe, and called you fucking "brah." And this website really does nothing to disabuse me of that notion (the flaming baseball in the picture is misleading - that's actually a Pujols-hit comebacker rocketing at his smug chad face).

Do I want to see Snork pitching less for the Cubs? Ultimately, yes. If by less, you mean never. But until that day comes, I hope that Lou drops his ass in every single Cubs blowout loss, and only in those blowout losses. Then I hope he leaves Snork's shaggy, sub-Novoa corpse out there for a minimum of 250 pitches. Pitch him until his fucking arm pops off at the elbow and flies into the crowd. And whoever catches that bloody stump wins a free dinner from Harry Caray's. On me. It would be worth it.

Then, trade him to the Reds, or whatever team Dusty Baker is running into the ground at that point.

In conclusion,

Chicago Cubs: stop wasting money on untalented choads because idiot Notre Dame fans will spend money on green jerseys emblazoned with any chuzzlewit alum that happens to draw an MLB paycheck.

Cubs Fans: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ENCOURAGE THE CUBS BY BUYING THOSE JERSEYS.

Snork: cut your fucking hair, quit playing fucking baseball, and maybe you could go to the NFL, where hopefully you will have your spine split in two in the first preseason game. Otherwise, stay the hell out of any barns in the greater Chicagoland era...I hear they're mighty flammable and often lock from the outside...mysteriously.