Have you've been listening to the same bullshit bands since graduating high school? Is the only time you ever find out about a new band when your favorite sitcom is preempted by a prime time awards show? Do friends mercifully send you burnt CDs of something they hope you'll finally replace your worn out Dynamite Hack CD with? Dude, you're balls deep in a music rut. Never fear, EOC's step-by-step Guide to Getting Out of A Music Rut is here...


Step 1) Kill your idols

This step requires the least bit of effort, but it might be the hardest. Simply put: if you think you're in a rut, stop listening to the same shit you've been listening to since the day you got your first bj in your Junior year of high school. Get out of your comfort zone. Face up to the fact that knowing the lyrics to every song on STP's Purple isn't going to get you laid ever again and ditch that shit. Let go of the past and find music that speaks to the person you are today, even if you're holding onto a bygone era because it was the last time anyone really liked you.

Step 2) Explore:

Don't assume that all new music is terrible. That's just stupid. And don't ask your friends what music you should be listening to. Chances are they have even shittier taste in music than you do. Instead, do some research. Try out Pandora, Last FM or any of the dozens of other sites that introduce you to new music. Those sites can get old really quick, so keep a constant lookout for new avenues of exposure. Read some music blogs. Learn how to steal music off the internet. And stop sucking on the teat of 1996.

Also, unless you get an erection at the thought of the MTV Video Music Awards, you're going to have to travel off the beaten path to discover new music. This probably goes without saying, but the sad fact is that MTV hasn't been a place to discover new music since 120 Minutes went off the air a long fucking time ago. And the radio usually isn't any better (unless you live in NYC, L.A. or a really hip college town). Look around. You're bound to like something that's out there on the internet...somewhere.

I know, I know...the thought of not being force-fed new music terrifies you and your knee-jerk response is to label anything that your sheltered existence hasn't been exposed to as "obscure" so you can go on ignoring how out of touch you are and eventually fall asleep without tears. Sadly, the fact remains that you can't stop sucking if you don't put in the effort. Accept this and move on.

Step 3) You might be looking in the wrong decade

Just because you can't relate to today's music doesn't mean you're doing the right thing by playing Superunkown for the 3000th time. Look up bands that you may have overlooked from that same time period. Or go a decade earlier and see what other bands were doing. And for fuck's sake, take every "Best Albums of the ____" list with a grain of salt. Believing the hype is what got you into this rut in the first place. Remember: If you aren't familiar with the music, it's new to you. And, judging by your taste in music, that's probably a good thing.

Step 4) Get back to your roots

If you like a certain album or style of music, see what influenced this evolution. Musical styles don't just pop up out of the thin air; something had to have influenced it. Find out what it is and check it out, you lazy piece of shit. Chances are that multiple & diverse influences shaped a particular album, group or movement. Stop being a pussy and see where this takes you.


Step 5) Develop a Critical Ear (aka Stop trying to pick out singles)

Jesus Christ, are you 10? Just because you can't immediately hum along to a song doesn't mean that an entire album is worthless. Listen to the entire album. What's the general tone of the songs? Are there recurring themes? Is there some sort of progression? Do you understand what was happening in the world at the time the album was released? Or is the entire album just a mishmash of songs that seem to be thrown together in no particular order? If so, how is that working? Great albums are sometimes like great books; with a unified story, characters, themes and (sometimes) a plot. But, just as often, these things are absent in great albums. For fuck's sake, don't think for a second that "great album" and "concept album" are interchangeable. This misconception alone is responsible for the plethora of Pink Floyd fans ruining America for the past 35 years. And, for god's sake, don't confuse recognizable music with good music just because someone else knows the lyrics to some stupid pop songs. Remember: Other people are idiots. They are the enemies of good taste. Lastly, keep in mind that greatest hits albums are for housewives & little girls.

Step 6) Let go of your concept of genres/learn to accept change

When I was a punkass teenager, I read an article in Guitar World or Alternative Guitar or something of the ilk that scared the piss out of me. The article was about the death of rock music. They interviewed a bunch of "post-rock" bands. These bands, all of which I had never heard of at the time, firmly believed rock was dead. Almost immediately, I dismissed these bands as being completely insane. After all, we had a new Metallica album! And The Offspring were still going strong! And there was new music by U2 & Collective Soul…

..shit…

After a time, that article haunted my waking moments. I kept a lookout for this subversive post-rock-thing that would try to destroy my precious rock music. I held on so tightly to the genre I thought I loved that I ignored the fact that "post-rock" slowly became "indie rock." And while I still think indie-rock is a ridiculous term for a subgenre, I don't doubt its existence, and I certainly don't begrudge the much-needed changes to music industry that it helped instigate. Also, not all of it sucks.

Similarly, I used to listen to a few bands that crossed that grey line into "industrial" territory. I tried like hell not to like them. Not because they were bad, but because I knew once I took that step, I'd be just a tiny bit away from falling into the electronica trap. And, once there, I knew my balls would retract into giant sagging labia and guys named Isaac would try to stuff their meaty fingers into my sagging ballsac/pussy while the merciless bass droned on and on and on. But, thankfully, that only happened once. (Tip: Don't wear a shimmering silver skirt to a rave!) I can now confess to my shrink (whose fingers are like cheddarwursts that have been in the microwave for 30 seconds too long) that I like some industrial/electronica music. The point is, get over the whole "genre" thing. It's silly.

Step 7) Take Another Look at One Hit Wonders

You can be sure as shit that 99% of these bands didn't think they only had one good song when they released their albums. Just ignore the charts entirely; they don't mean shit. After all, the most popular Beatles song of all time ("A Day in the Life") was a b-side to a song that never went higher that #63 in the charts. Also, a band like Chumbawamba gets dismissed outright because "Tubthumping" was a huge success (and overused in shit like the Home Alone 3 trailer), ignoring entirely their anarcho-punk/folk roots. Dig deeper! Keep Improving!

Step 8) When exploring a new band, try out their first couple albums

This might seem ridiculously pretentious on my part, but the truth is that if you like a band, the general rule of thumb is that they probably mastered their sound during their first two albums. (As a bonus, even if the band's first two albums are complete shit, people will be afraid to call you on it if you claim that this is their best stuff! You simply can't lose.)

Step 9) Once you find something you like, explore it more.

Hooray! You found a new band! What decade are they from? Where did they perform? Did they collaborate with other people in the same area/the same era? Did they spinoff into other groups? Who influenced them? Who was influenced by them? Look into this shit. It's important. There will be should be a quiz later.


Step 10) Become a name dropper

It's a scientific fact that if you drop the name of an obscure post-punk band into polite conversation, 89% of the people will think you're a pretentious dick. However, when the opportunity arises to discuss a band you actually give a shit about with one or two people, you should absolutely seize the moment. Fuck the naysayers who can't get over their memories of eating Papa John's in their dorm room while Incubus blared over their never-ending GoldenEye campaigns on the N64. These people might as well be dead nowadays. But you...you're now prepared to talk about music with people who almost know what the fuck they're talking about! And that's all that really matters.