Welcome to This Week on "Los Cubs," where we attempt to inject story and plot to a team that can occasionally make getting through a season unbearable. By treating it like a TV show, we can at least hold out hope that something amazing/cathartic/non rage inducing will happen to resolve things comfortably by October. Plus, Telenovelas are way more entertaining than Bob Howry giving up a three run homer out of the pen.

Last Week

This Week on "Los Cubs": After dropping a series as fast as humanly possible to the cross-city meth addicts, the Boys in Blue finally won their first series in six tries against an Oakland team that decided not to get anyone warmed up in the pen after their reliever walked the bases full in the 9th with one out. Riding that wave, they promptly decided to play like crap for the next two days, winning the final game of the series with a technique that baseball pundits term "Retard Strength."

It is worth noting, however, that the then-first place Central team took to Seattle last weekend and scored 1 run in three games. So as bad as the Cubs can play, the division is willing to match us in mediocrity.

This Week

- Lou Piniella will continue to say that he's done everything humanly possible to give the team a chance at success. This is because he believes that Tyler Colvin, much like the Great Gazoo, exists only in his head.

- The Cubs visit a team just as bad as they are in the Pacific Northwest. Not only is their record worse, but they decided earlier this year that trading for Milton Bradley was a good idea.

- The weekend sees the conclusion of the BP Sorry About Your Coastline and Livelihood Meaningless Shit Trophy. The food stampers from across town hold a 2-1 lead, and have won 10 of 11. SPOILER ALERT! This ends with Jeff Baker looking at a discarded crack pipe on Archer Avenue and shedding a single tear.

- No one can seem to find Jeff Samardzija, until his bloated corpse is found floating in an Iowa quarry, clad in a navy and gold ND-themed gimp suit. The hunt for justice begins ...