Welcome to This Week on "The Cubs," where we attempt to inject story and plot to a team that can occasionally make getting through a season unbearable. By treating it like a TV show, we can at least hold out hope that something amazing/cathartic/non rage inducing will happen to resolve things comfortably by October.

Last Week

Our heroes were beset by as many divisional foes as humanly possible in a week's time. They fell, due to the dual menaces of offensive malaise and ... more offensive malaise. In managing to drop a game to the previously 0-7 Felipe Paulino, hardcore fans took solace in the fact that Zambrano didn't actively ruin the team's chances of victory. So yeah, it's one of those years...

This Week

- A trip to the barren Northland beckons, against a foe who the Cubs have not managed to get owned by. Recent results tell us that they will soon likely correct that oversight.

- The MLB draft approaches, and a bold choice must be made. ESPN says that the Cubs "aren't afraid to take risks," which, translated into actual meaning, means that the Cubs aren't afraid to pay an assload of money to a guy who will top out in Daytona.

- Two titans of the Second City will wrest for control of the Toxic Oil Spill Crosstown Piece of Shit Trophy. A rapt world will yawn and change the channel to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

- Aramis Ramirez will face down his evil twin in a fight for his very soul. Unfortunately, the gun he needs to end the ordeal only has 9 bullets in the clip. Everyone knows that he requires 10 attempts to score one hit. Will he survive?

- Carlos Zambrano! Doin' stuff ... probably.

Adventure! Excitement! Mediocrity! All of that and more, this week, on "The Cubs."