I haven't written a post in quite a while, which means I have lots to complain about. Some of this stuff has already been tackled by people with much more insight, tact and humor than myself, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to let that stop me.

MLB.com

It amazes me that the official website for Major League Baseball has the same high standards as the filthy porn sites I visit. Come on now, pop-up ads in this day & age? Most stadiums are now Wi-Fi hotspots, homerun calls can be reviewed instantly from afar, and fans thousands of miles away can view an accurate pitch-by-pitch account of a game within seconds of the action. (Ok, I was being a little generous with the last one.) But still, you'd think that Major League Baseball wouldn't need to resort to outdated revenue streams when the average player's salary is over $3 million. How much can Netflix be paying them?

Also, how come there's no option to stay logged-in on their site? My fucking bank keeps me logged in longer than MLB.com. Having to wait while their graphics-heavy, Yankees-centric homepage loads is a big enough hassle; being asked to log-in multiple times per day is just too much. Hey MLB.com, why don't you replace the pre-checked "I would like to receive newsletters and promotions from MLB.com and their partners" box with one that allows people to stay logged in to your website? Greedy faggots.

Blackouts
This past Saturday, the Cubs/White Sox game was one of the Fox games of the week. Even though I live in Los Angeles, the Dodgers & Angels played a late game, so I was slightly optimistic that the Cubs game would air in my region. But those assholes at Fox decided that southern California should watch the Phillies vs. Red Sox. With the Red Sox & Phillies being the heated division rivals of both the Dodgers & Angels, lying in closer geographic proximity to L.A. than Chicago, and with Boston & Philly renewing their age-old 300+ mile rivalry, it made perfect sense that I should be restricted to this game on the West Coast.

Being the money-grubbing whores that they are, MLB.TV imposes a blackout for all the weekend games on Fox and ESPN, so I couldn't stream the Cubs games through their site (even though I shelled out over $100 for MLB.tv for the fucking season), and a Chinese pirate broadcast was nowhere to be found anywhere on the internet. I completely understand. After all, what kind of Monday-Friday, 9-5 working, cubicle-dwelling slob who doesn't get any chance to see their team during the week would want to watch their team play their cross-town rivals on the weekend anyway?

I thought the point of blacking out games online was so that MLB wouldn't be competing with local television markets if the games were available on local TV. If a game isn't available locally, why the fuck can't I watch it online? I guess the geniuses at Fox & MLB assume I'll just plunk my ass down and waste 3 hours of my precious weekend watching whatever game they cram down my gullet, even if I don't happen to care about it. I already do that. It's this thing in October called the playoffs.

The NBA Finals

Speaking of playoffs: What's mostly black, mind-numbingly dull, and lasts a really long time? If you answered my cousin's ex-boyfriend Marcus, you'd be right. If you answered the NBA Playoffs, you'd also be right.

The NBA playoffs have been going on since mid-April. To put this another way: When the 2010 NBA Playoffs started, the Deepwater Horizon oilrig was perfectly fine.

Since I don't care about the NBA in the least, the absurd length of the playoffs shouldn't affect me at all. Unfortunately, the lousy finals are on ABC, so I keep missing Jeopardy because of this bullshit. Instead of 30 minutes of answers, questions & Alex Trebek, I get 2+ hours of bad fundamentals, obvious traveling & Kobe sulking (win or lose). As an added bonus: If the Lakers win Game 7, crazed fans will trash my neighborhood & set fire to city buses. I can't fucking wait.

Miracle Whip

Others have already made fun of Miracle Whip's new jaw-droopingly insane ad campaign, but I'm astounded that the entire television viewing public hasn't revolted over THIS COMMERCIAL.

In case you didn't click on the link, here's my hypothetical synopsis: A bunch of upper-middle class white kids & a couple of their token ethnic friends convened on the roof of their overpriced loft to discuss the pertinent issues that young white kids struggle with day in & day out. At this special session, they determined that Grizzly Bear is the voice of their generation, the rest of America is too stupid to grasp the significance of the World Cup, and mayo is for fat slobs while Miracle Whip is the path to self-expression.

This commercial makes me feel old. Perhaps I'm just bitter because I look more like the fat old guy who is "so mayo" than I do the younger assholes partying it up with the Miracle Whip. It's possible that the pretentious voice-over is throwing me off. I mean, who writes a creepy leftist manifesto about a condiment anyway? Or maybe I'm so out of the loop that Miracle Whip really is some exciting topping that I should be putting on all my food. Maybe they start putting habanero in this shit? Last I checked, it was mostly vinegar, soybean oil & corn syrup. All I know for sure is that an open jar of Miracle Whip + a day of partying on a hot roof = food poisoning. Also, if anyone starts lurching at me while holding a jar of Miracle Whip, I'd probably punch 'em in the fucking face. No jury would convict me.