Let me preface this post by letting you know that by employment I am a graphic designer (I created that cool looking banner above). Shocking, I know. I actually have a real job, don't live in my parent's basement and don't spend my time writing angry letters to Cubs management while lusting over the barista at Starbucks that, "I'm sure will break up with her boyfriend and go out with me, just as long as I can get her to know the REAL me." So I spend a lot of my days with graphics, fliers and the usual design shit that us designers do. That also means I spend a lot of time trying to find the correct font for a certain job. If you don't know what a font is, you can follow this link here.

So this got me thinking, if the Cubs players were fonts, which ones would they be? Now, I didn't sit down and analyze this list heavily, I just threw a couple of ideas together, so if you disagree you can GFY. No seriously, if you have any other good ideas feel free to leave them in the comments sections below. That is if Jake will let you. So here goes: the names, the fonts and a brief explanation of each.

Infield:

Derrek Lee - Impact
He's big, black, imposing, gets your attention and gets the job done. Racist? Maybe, but if you're insulted already, I suggest you go read another Cubs blog. I recommend Bleed Cubbie Blue, the vanilla of all Cubs blogs.

Ryan Theriot - Comic Sans
Sure everyone likes to pick on the little guy. He's barely above midget stature and his Cajun upbringing makes it easy to insult his intelligence, so this was an obvious pick.

Starlin Castro - KidTYPERuled
The kid is barely old enough to vote, he can't drink yet and is the first player born in the 90s to play in the bigs. This was another obvious choice. (Side note: There has yet to be a Playmate born in the 90s. And you thought Hef was just a big pedobear).

Mike Fontenot - Goudy Old Style
This font reminds me of something you would see in France. Just coming back from vacation in New Orleans, this is a similar font to what is used for their famous French Quarter street signs. A stretch for the Pocket Rocket? Maybe.

No one current player on the team says "Mr. Cub" to me than E-Ramis. So I chose the font that is the "C" in the Cubs logo.

Geovany Soto - Keep on Truckin
Soto seems like a big, Mexican hippy to me (yes, I know he's from Puerto Rico, DIAF). So I gave him a hippy font. Smoke another, Geo. No, wait, you seem to be doing good again now that you've laid off the sticky icky.

Koyie Hill - Broken 74
This font is broken, just like Koyie's fingers. But it calls a good game. Wait, what?

Outfield:

Alfonso Soriano - Boingo
Soriano hops like a little girl and likes to show off, so I gave him a cutesy font with a name that mirrors his signature move (no, not the one where he stands and admires his warning track shots).

Marlon Byrd - Arial Black
There is hardly a stong, no nonsense, get the job done font than Arial Black. So far this year, this is exactly how the Byrd Man has played. And no, I didn't add the black because...you know. It's the name of the font, you fucking racist bigot.

Kosuke Fukudome - Karate
I didn't say I couldn't be racist, just you couldn't be. Deal with it.

Pitchers:

Randy Wells - Futura
I already did the kid thing with Castro and Theriot, plus Wells seems mature beyond his age. What he could be, though, is a great pitcher with many years of Cubs greatness ahead of him, thus Futura.

Carlos Silva - Blippo
He's a fatty. 'Nuff said.

Ted Lilly - Bad Mofo
Another font that needs no explanation.

Ryan Dempster - Bomb Font
Always a jokester, I had to give Dempster a goofy font. This font is pretty funny, right? Right? Hello? Is this thing on?

Tom Gorzelanny - Goonies
Yeah, I got a little bit lazy near the end of list, but you know you would have picked this font, too!

Carlos Zambrano - Burrito
I was torn on Big Z. He's so much: crazy, good, crazy, big, crazy. In the end I went the racist route again. Whatever.

John Grabow - Courier
This font was great when Windows 3.1 came out. Now, no one dares to use it and if you do you basically ruin any sort of chance you had at making a good design. This font is useless, just like Grabow.

Sean Marshall - Helvetica Roman
Just like Helvetica, Marshall works well in just about any situation you place him in. He doesn't complain, isn't flashy, just gets the job done without any fanfare.

Carlos Marmol - Cocaine Sans
Just like this font, Marmol's stuff is sick, dirty and looks awesome.

So there you go. I didn't hit on all of the 25 man roster, but those I didn't cover are pretty bland anyway so you can just lump them all into the Times New Roman font family.

Go Cubs!