The Cubs have a problem and his name is Alfonso Soriano. We've been watching Fonzie strut his stuff at Wrigley for the past three years now and I've done my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I've reached the end of my rope with this guy. We're only a couple of weeks into the season and Soriano has already mishandled more balls than a hooker with Parkinson's at Mardi Gras. Some of his errors have come back to bite the Cubs and cost them some ballgames. Clearly this cannot continue.

My biggest problem with Soriano is that it seems like he's stopped even trying. Some of the lackluster, half-assed attempts he's made for balls hit his way are flat out embarrassing. What really burns me is that he hasn't seemed to put in the effort to even learn how the ball reacts off the left field wall at his own ballpark. Christ, even Manny Ramirez learned how to work with the Green Monster, and Manny is one of the laziest players in the game. What's frustrating is that I still believe Soriano is athletic enough to where he could make himself into, at the least, a serviceable outfielder. He just seems completely disinterested in putting the work in to improve.

My other big problem with Soriano is his lack of focus. Half the time, he seems like he's daydreaming out there in the outfield. Whether he's thinking about the margaritas he's planning on enjoying after the game or thinking over his next soul-crushing at bat in his head, it's clear that the dude has the attention span of a hummingbird on meth. Some of the balls he's missing, it looks like he's missing them because by the time he realizes the ball is coming his way, he's got no time to react and make the play. This lack of focus is completely unacceptable for any major league player, let alone this shitstain who's making big bank off his dwindling skills.

Unfortunately, Soriano is virtually untradeable given the length and cost of his contract, so that means the Cubs are stuck with him. However, that doesn't mean that the Cubs need to play him. But they need to do something with him. Personally, I'd lock him in Wolter's burning barn with the Snork, but since the Cubs undoubtedly don't want to have to answer a lot of questions, allow me to suggest a less violent solution. Keep him on the major league roster, but send him back to Arizona or one of our minor league facilities for two months and allow Tyler Colvin to play. In Arizona, Soriano will train in the outfield for two months with Billy Williams. Only when Billy is satisfied with his fielding abilities will Alfonso be allowed to go to Iowa for a rehab assignment to get his hitting back up to speed. If Alfonso refuses to go, well he can just continue to ride the pine for the rest of the year. Fuck, if Lou Piniella was willing to put in some one on one time with Milton Bradley, surely the Cubs can do something like this for Alfonso, who at least isn't a complete asshole.

In the past, Soriano's bat has made up for some of his fielding mishaps. Last year and the beginning of this year, that hasn't been so. The Cubs can no longer justify running this guy out there everyday when he's a liability at the plate and in the field. I realize that my solution to the problem becoming reality is highly unlikely. At the very least, Lou finally had enough of Soriano's fielding gaffes. Whether something finally gets done remains to be seen., but the Cubs and Soriano need to make an effort to salvage the five remaining years of his contract.