Before you could cry "Wolverines!", the Reds broadsided the Cubs over the weekend to take two out of three from a series the Cubs could have swept. Here are nine things I learned over the weekend:

1. The demise of Carlos Zambrano has been highly exaggerated.

2. The Cubs would undoubtedly lose to a good college team.

3. The Cubs have scored a grand total of 3 lousy runs without benefit of the home run. 12 of their 15 runs have come courtesy of the dong.

4. Escargot, much like Snork, sucks at pitching. And who the fuck eats snails anyway, aside from the French?

5. Lou Pinella may finally have figured out that Alfonso Soriano can't catch a baseball. That's okay, because he doesn't really hit them anymore, either. 5 more years, kids. Thanks Jimbo.

6. Our best pitchers right now just might be Carlos Silva and Tom Gorzellany. Yikes. When Ted Lilly returns from his serial killer convention, maybe Silva should pitch the 8th. Just a thought.

7. Milton Bradley is still a dick. But I'm sure this is somehow Chicago's fault.

8. Sean Marshall is awesome. Maybe he should just pitch innings 6 through 8 every day.

9. Who the fuck is Drew Stubbs?