PostHeaderIcon Opening Game 'Drunkblog'

4/05/2010 | Posted by T.R.
Happy Opening Day, one and all. Hot dogs are on the grill, and a 12-pack of unnamed domestic light beer has been opened. We're bringing you the Cubs vs. Braves, live, nude, and inconclusive. Unfortunately, I'm relegated to the ESPN broadcast, as I'm not in the Chicagoland area. That means I still have to sit through the ninth inning of the Cardinals/Reds tilt, though I'll bring up the MLB.com feed in the meantime...

3:00 - I've kindly decided to stamp my posts with CST, though I'm not in that timezone.

3:01 - Seriously though, the ESPN play by play announcer better not be Dick Stockton. You'll of course remember him calling both of the failed Divisional Series' in 2007 and 2008.

3:05 - Still have a good five minutes before first pitch, but this damn Cards/Reds game has ground to a halt.

3:06 - Hey, it's only one game, but remember: every commentator is fashionably picking the Reds to take the division. Uh huh. Also, Bobby Crosby is about to break out.

3:07 - OK ESPN, the Cards are now up 11-4. Can we switch to Atlanta?

3:14 - Ryan Theriot flies out to open the game. OBP be damned, he is our leadoff hitter, and we must embrace him.

3:17 - GameDay tells me that Fuku hit a single, and Lee walked. Also, Rick Sutcliffe on the Cards/Reds broadcast just informed us that there are 27 outs in a game.

3:19 - Byrd with the three run Donkey to put the Cubs on the board. Already more productive than Milton Bradley!

3:21 - Soriano grounds out, as expected. Hopefully that is not an early omen of how his April will go. We have a somewhat easy schedule to begin with, and we need to start off hot.

3:22 - Finally ESPN shifts over to the Cubs game. Sean McDunough (sp?) and Orel Hersheiser are bringing us the game. Melky Cabrera leading off for the Braves.

3:24 - Zambrano walks Cabrera. You'll have that with slimmed down Fat Z.

3:26 - Last year Z walked the leadoff batter 24 times. Holy hell. That will not help your WHIP. Nor will giving up doubles to Martin Prado.

3:27 - Early War Criminal: Tomahawk Chop.

3:28 - Defensive FAIL. C'mon, Byrd needs to call Theriot off on that. No excuses! Expect Z to freak out and walk McCann.

3:29 - High sky in Atlanta. High sky. Bases loaded. Z meltdown imminent.

3:33 - Jason Heyward SKEET. Ugh.

3:35 - Well, this is pretty depressing off the bat. Particularly if you have Z on your fantasy team. If you have Heyward on your team, you obviously hate America.

3:38 - The inning mercifully comes to an end. I have no jokes for how depressing that was. I'd like to think that Z will calm down, but history says otherwise. This could be a long day.

3:44 - The Cubs go down quickly in the 2nd inning. The advantage going into the bottom half is that the Braves have already used up all their bloop hits for the day. The disadvantage? The Braves have a better offense than the Cubs.

3:47 - Probably time to start doing a little less play by play, and a little more angry ranting. And Z hits Prado in the elbow. Fantastic.

3:48 - Dear Chipper Jones. Please lose the Ozzy Osbourne at-bat music.

3:50 - Z meltdown is on cue, as he air mails a throw across the diamond, allowing the guy he beaned to score. Classic Z!

3:51 - Z gives up a bomb to McCann. And he's yanked in favor of Sean Marshall. Fantastic start to the 2010 season! Glad I took the day off work for this!

3:53 - Here's an idea: Let's not start Z on Opening Day next season. The good news is that he'll still be fresh for his next start.

3:58 - Marshall locks down the 2nd inning. Funny how effective pitchers handle pressure.

4:03 - So hey, back to the top of the Cubs lineup. Fuku sprays a double to left field. A couple two-run homers and we are RIGHT BACK IN THIS THING!

4:05 - Well, A-Ram just gave us one of those two-run shots. Dammit, I know we're all Debbie Downers at the drop of the hat being Cubs fans and all, but it is EARLY!

4:07 - Byrd strikes out to end the inning. The sky is falling! Trade for Bradley!

4:10 - Jason Heyward just stepped into the batters box and hundreds of women in the Atlanta metro area became pregnant.

4:12 - Z could take a few emotional pointers from the stoic Sean Marshall.

4:18 - Soriano, Fontenot, and Soto go down quickly in the 4th. Probably looking at Colvin pinch hitting for Marshall in the 5th, with the off day tomorrow.

4:23 - Marshall, mowing down the Braves right now. Perhaps it would be best to let him bat in the top of the inning.

4:28 - Well, I guess they're dragging out Chad Tracy for pinch duties. And he walks. He'll probably pull a hammy running the bases though.

4:30 - No chance to pull the hammy, but he almost broke an ankle diving back for first base. Classic Cubs baserunning!

4:34 - Rookie James Russell is in to replace Marshall. Effective lefties in the bullpen? Is this the Cubs I'm watching?

4:37 - Sean McDonough: "Horses eat a lot".

4:39 - ESPN's analysis of Jason Heyward: "He's polite". And please, stop telling us that his parents went to Dartmouth.

4:41 - Heyward is hitting .333 on the season. Someone is coming down to Earth!

4:43 - Someone should research this, but I'm pretty sure the Cubs are the worst team in the history of baseball when facing a sinker ball pitcher. The Cubs will ground out you to death!

4:45 - Wow, the Cubs just totally got hosed on that fake catch! Instant replay! C'mon!

4:46 - We just absolutely got ripped off on that play. No way McLouth hung onto the ball long enough there. It's a conspiracy dammit all! Christ I hate the Braves!

4:48 - And as expected, Soriano follows that up by doing Soriano things, such as striking out.

4:51 - The ice cream truck is driving down my street. Go away with your child-baiting music! Leave my neighborhood out of your dirty schemes!

4:56 - How do you properly pronounce Jair Jurrjens? I'd like to hear it straight out of his mouth.

4:58 - Obviously it's early, but could the Cubs bullpen be "solid" this year? I think it's within the realm of possibility. They'll have their moments, but if Marmol can get his head on straight (big if), then this could compensate for some of our starting pitching travails.

5:03 - Tyler Colvin pinch hits. Our answer to Jason Heyward, except, you know, he won't be as good.

5:08 - Remember what I said a minute ago about the bullpen? Nevermind, I forgot that Samardzija is still gainfully employed.

5:11 - Not checking baserunners: Classic Samardzija!

5:15 - Forgot to mention this earlier. I know everyone was concerned about this going into the game, but the Cubs have indeed decided against using the red bills on their road hats again.

5:16 - Can you option a pitcher to AAA while they're still on the mound?

5:18 - When Lee is making errors, you know it's not your day. It's now officially a bloodbath. The game is no longer young.

5:20 - When Eric Hinske is hitting triples off you...

5:24 - Thank God we have an off day tomorrow, because our bullpen is going to be taxed.

5:26 - 8 ER for Z, and 6 ER for Samardzija. Depressing. And by the way, Samardzija has not earned a nickname yet, so I don't want to hear anyone calling him Shark or Touchdown Jesus or any other horseshit pseudonym. He doesn't deserve it yet.

5:28 - Takashi Saito is still alive?

5:33 - Wait, Heyward's parents went to Dartmouth?

5:34 - This just in: Jason Heyward has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Torii Hunter said to be proud that it did not go to an 'imposter'.

5:35 - Takashi Saito: Making the 2010 Chicago Cubs look like the 2009 Chicago Cubs.

5:40 - We are just minutes away from ending this thing and hitting the showers. Yes, the fans will need to hit the showers as well.

5:45 - Heyward is a lot cooler if you picture him keeping snakes, incense, and rum in his locker.

5:50 - Oh yeah, John Grabow. Huh.

5:51 - Mercifully, the 8th inning comes to an end. Let's get through this and put it behind us. If only we didn't have to let the wound fester for two days...

5:54 - A-Ram, swinging for the elusive 11-run homer.

5:56 - At least the Cubs will oblige by ending the game on time, unlike the selfish Cardinals and Reds.

5:58 - Sad trombone for Soriano, and the Cubs in general. Let's try this again on Wednesday.
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