In a meager attempt to create a new weekly feature, we bring you the Friday Five. Each week the Exile staff will tackle various topics and come up with five things pertaining to it. The topics could be as pertinent as the Chicago Cubs to as completely offtrack as food or music.

The offseason death knell has mercifully sounded. The Cubs are finishing their Spring with two games against the D'Backs at Chase Field, followed by a flight to Atlanta for Opening Day. All rumor, speculation, and innuendo has ground to a halt. Much like Jesus, a new, fresh adventure rises on Sunday when the Yankees visit the Red Sox. Ladies and gentlemen, it's boner time.

This week's topic: What is your ultimate prediction on how the 2010 Cubs season plays out?

Wolter: 81-81, but they still almost win the division. Marlon Byrd doesn't have a career year, so Cubs fans hate him. Ryan Theriot is league average and Cubs fans still love him. Aramis Ramirez misses 2 weeks with a pulled hammy and is accused of laziness despite keeping with his career averages. Carlos Zambrano pitches as well as ever, but due to poor run support, only wins about 12-14 games, which makes meatheads think he's not very good. These same meatheads will think that the Cubs would have had a shot at the series with Kevin Millar, despite the fact he ends up signing with Texas, putting up atrocious numbers, and retiring at the end of the season. Chad Tracy accidentally chokes on a Bloomin' Onion at an Outback Steakhouse in Milwaukee.

Goreo: Unless Carpenter's arm falls off and Pujols's back implodes, the Cubs are looking at another second place season. Granted, the Cardinals have question marks in their rotation after Carpenter and Wainwright, but Dave Duncan's deal with Satan will allow him to once again shape shit into gold. I see the Cubs' season playing out thusly:

Carlos Zambrano does something crazy, but he will win at least 15 games this year. Stupid fans will call call for him to be traded. Randy Wells will regress slightly, but will still pitch well. America's favorite serial killer will struggle in his first month in his return to the rotation, but well settle in and pitch well the remainder of the season. Carlos Silva will eat Tom Gorzellany, opening a long deserved rotation spot for Sean Marshall. Geo Soto will gain back his 40 pounds when he shares Silva's Gorzo burgers. The Shark will be traded mid-season to Baltimore. It will not be for Brian Roberts. Starlin Castro will earn a free Hawaiian vacation from his frequent flier miles as he bounces between Iowa and whatever city the Cubs are playing in. Aramis Ramirez will have a groin or quad issue, but still hit 30+ home runs and drive in 100+ RBIs. His roosters will win the Dominican Republic El Grande Pollo Championship. Mike Fontenot will finally get that Bentley with the adjustable pedals so his mom can stop driving him to the ballpark. Derrek Lee will lobby Lou Pinella unsuccessfully to have Ryan Theriot removed from shortstop. Marlon Byrd will play well, but not good enough for the small percentage of racist asshat Cub fans. Kosuke Fukudome will continue to wish he had never left Japan. Tyler Colvin will get a splinter-infected hemorrhoid from riding the pine while Alfonso Soriano continues to perform his one act play "I Can't Field" in left. Jeff Baker, John Grabow, and Koyie Hill will continue to be white. The Cubs will finish with a winning record, but Carlos Marmol will blow just enough games to keep them out of first place.

O.J. Simpson: I think the Cubs season is going to play out just like it did last year, minus the Aramis injury. The Cubs will have a decent offense and above average pitching. 2B will still be an offensive wasteland. Just like last year, I feel like the Cubs could be hovering at the top of the division as late as the end of July, but won't be able to hold off the Cardinals in the final weeks. Final Record Prediction: 85-77.

White Chili: 87-75 (2nd Place, Wild Card). First, the good news. After a terrible year for the offense, we're bound to see a recovery. The lineup has the same core of players that produced 855 runs in 2008 and hopefully won't succumb to the same parade of injuries as last year. Geo is forty pounds lighter and stands to reassert himself as an offensive threat behind the plate. Zambrano, Dempster, and Lilly should anchor the best rotation in the division with Randy Wells looking to improve on his 2009 numbers.

There are still a number of question marks. Angel Guzman is done for the year and possibly his career. Carlos Silva is fat. Theriot isn't a real shortstop but remains just serviceable enough for Hendry to overlook the need to find a replacement. Carlos Silva is fat. Batters wouldn't even take BP from Marmol a few weeks ago because he was too wild. Lee and Soriano aren't getting any younger and their numbers should continue to decline. We don't have a bench that addresses any of the weaknesses of our starters. And have you seen Carlos Silva?

I think we're just good enough to fend off the rest of a weak division and reach the playoffs. Not exactly an inspiring situation. Hopefully the club can unload some bloated contracts after this year and provide young guys like Castro, Jackson, and maybe even Vitters with a little big league experience.

T.R.: I see the Cubs getting off to a very slow start, with the starting pitching and Carlos Marmol sputtering out of the gate. The boost from Ted Lilly by the end of April will help, and Marmol will calm down right around the time that we're all calling for his head. They will be a few games behind the Cardinals going into Memorial Day, but the offense (particularly Soriano) will heat up through June.

Hendry will be allowed a great degree of flexibility at the trade deadline, hopefully making a move for an upgraded fourth starter. The bullpen will be firm, as Russell and Caridad prove to be an effective tandem. Baker and Fontenot will likely play just good enough to ward off a trade for a second baseman. It will likely shape up to be a tight race between the Cubs and the Cardinals, with our Cubbies ultimately falling two games short and missing the Wild Card (that will go to the loser of the NL West). Final record: 86-76