First, I didn't want any piece of this league. Hell, the only time OJ ever did anything "Penal" was one time my Sophomore year at USC, but I only kissed it once after a couple beers, so Swanson's Law was in effect. But I guess "Penal" means something other than I thought it did, because for the most part, these dudes keep their hands off each other. It's nothing like the Brewers' clubhouse. Although I did see Prince Fielder's daddy walkin' around the other day...

I've never played softball before, but goddamn, have you seen me on the field of play before? If it happens on grass and chumps is doin' 'roids and HGH, then OJ's right at home. Hell, I'd like to see a catcher block the plate when all 286 lbs. of the "OJ Sexeh Express" comes chuggin' along ready to drive him into the dirt! "Drive It Into The Dirt" was actually the name of a band I started when I was at USC. Come to think of it, that was my favorite sexual move too! Legit!

Who else we have on this team? Bunch of honkeys and weirdos if you ask me. One dude's got a fake leg, so he's probably worthless. And we got stuck with Lazy-Eye Rob too and that dude gives me the creeps. I know you're lookin' at me with one eye, but what the fuck you lookin' at with the other one??? What could possibly be more important than The Juice? Sure, if there's some titties to look at, that's one thing. But there aren't!

There's some shady dude I've been trying to recruit to the team, goes by the name of Julio Mandfelt or somethin' like that. I think he might know Buzanis, so maybe I can use that connection to get him to play. Or I can use that connection to score some coke! Double legit! Everyone knows OJ plays better when he's been felchin' the white rail the night before a game. September 15, 1973 I stayed out all night snortin' anything I could get my hands on. Next day, I Ast-Rape the Patriots for 250 yards and 2 scores. AND I even completed a pass! Even when they tackled me, those assholes paid for it because I had the worst fuckin' coke farts you could imagine that whole game!

It's a good thing we got this internet connection in jail, cuz if I didn't, I wouldn't have known not to go back to Thunder Matt's Saloon when I get paroled! Those bastards have up and moved again? Shit, they move around more often than a former Asian beauty pageant winner being stalked by a sexy-ass former Heisman and NFL MVP award winner! Why don't they just being back that Pimp Capture site? That was the balls.

Anywho, if you can't seem to get enough OJ (and who can?), you can follow me on this Twitter thing at twitter.com/LegitOJ. I'll be lettin' you dudes know what I'm up to in the clink from time to time. You can check out all of my twats. Hell, you should show my twats to your friends!

Dinner bell's ringin' so I gotta get outta here. Hope I can hold some food down. PCP hangovers ain't nothin' to fuck with. And that's the lowdown dirty shame.