MINNESOTA TWINS
2009: 87-76 (1st)

So Long: SS Orlando Cabrera, 3B Joe Crede, OF Carlos Gomez, P Ron Mahay, C Mike Redmond

Welcome: P Clay Condrey, SS J.J. Hardy, 2B Orlando Hudson, OF Jacque Jones, DH Jim Thome

Projected Starting Lineup
1. Denard Span, CF
2. Orlando Hudson, 2B
3. Joe Mauer, C
4. Justin Morneau, 1B
5. Michael Cuddyer, RF
6. Jason Kubel, DH
7. Delmon Young, LF
8. J.J. Hardy, SS
9. Nick Punto, 3B

Rotation - Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, Carl Pavano, Kevin Slowey, Francisco Liriano
Setup - Whoever isn't closing that day
Closer - Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain, Jon Rauch, Rick Aguilera, Jesse Ventura, Garrison Keillor, Jose Mijares

The Minnesota Twins seem to be viewed by the majority of baseball fans as a feel-good story, a small team with loyal fans duking it out with the league's big guns. They always go down swinging, and usually leave fans with a hell of a division race to talk about in the offseason. Hell, they've played two one-game playoffs in the past two seasons. That's insanity. So yeah, warm and cuddly, right?

Fuck that.

The Twins have a small fan base not just for their location, but because their team was for the longest time owned by a cackling farm forecloser who spent not a penny of his own money on the team and at one point offered to close shop to appease Bud "Does This Public Hair Look Ingrown?" Selig. They're now run by his son, who doesn't quite reach the Dr. Doom-ish levels of evil, but who decided that an outdoor stadium (IN MOTHERFUCKING MINNESOTA) wouldn't lose an unacceptable amount of money for the club - fans and players be damned. Good thing Target Field is replacing a plastic foosball stadium, or all of their 62 fans might be politely up in arms, like Lutherans get.


Luckily for them, the Twins have managed to stay a respectable franchise through all this. Their losses of Santana, Torii "Racial Guru" Hunter, and David Ortiz threatened to turn them into a latter-day Expos, though they likely aren't losing sleep over Ortiz these days. It's almost enough to make you suspicious of the whole Mauer signing. They built a stadium on the cheap (as these things go), signed a huge star, and then proceeded to make absolutely no improvement to a team that was clearly outclassed in the 2009 postseason. It's as if ownership decided to acquiesce to fanbase demands, like a parent buying a kid an early Christmas present, and Twins fans are now looking at a long, giftless holiday season for the next few years. I'm sure they're glad the star's locked up for a good decade, but J.J Hardy, Jacque Jones, and the reanimated corpse of Jim Thome aren't going to fool anyone into thinking the Twins contend for a pennant. And as a Cubs fan, I know what no roster improvement looks like.

No, around Lake Wobegon, the quiet pleasure of an early wild card exit usually quiets the locals. That and a steaming pile of disgusting lye-soaked whitefish.


PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: - Frostbite. At least until July, when northern Minnesota gets up to a scorching 62 degrees. There's nothing like jean shorts season in the Twin Cities. Atheists say it reaffirms their lack of faith in a just and loving creator.
Snidely Whiplash Award for Cartoonish Evil - Carl Pohlad (posthumous).


The guy made his fortune buying troubled assets after getting his start foreclosing the shit out of Midwestern farms throughout the Great Depression. Then he bought the Twins, they happened to win two World Series, and today he's described as "beloved" by New York newspapers who don't know any better. You have got to be shitting me.

While he didn't mind running the Twins to break even, he wouldn't spend a cent to improve conditions there. As part of that, he constantly threatened to move the team - notably to Charlotte, where no one paid his ranting any more interest than a needy big girl at a keg party - if he didn't get a new stadium. When that didn't work, he volunteered to contract the Twins as part of his billionaire hissy fit. Keep in mind that he was the kind of rich that Fortune tracks, and at the time, the richest man in baseball. George Steinbrenner was heard to remark, "well that's a bit dickish, isn't it?"

Gilded Bidet Award for Most Disgusting Hometown Cuisine - Every single thing.


Have you seen what these Norwegian-descended whackadoos eat out of free will? It's horrific:

• - Jell-O salads straight out of a nauseating 1950s American Gelatin Council cookbook.

• The aforementioned lutefisk, which reaches an 11 on the pH scale during preparation and will literally ruin silverware.

• Glorified Rice, via Wikipedia: "It is made from rice, crushed pineapple, egg, sugar, vinegar, flour and whipped cream. When served it is often decorated with maraschino cherries." Its appearance recalls the Stay-Puft Man applying a Cleveland Steamer to a grateful Twin Cities metro area.
  

Knockoff K-Mart Sneakers Award - Little Big League? Psh. Your child-related baseball movie is far inferior to our much more entertaining, much more memorable, child-related baseball movie. Even in terms of baseball, casting Timothy Busfield as a professional athlete was completely unrealistic.