In order to help the struggling economy the Cubs have decided to hire 25-30 people to waste their pointless lives answering ridiculous questions. These "Wrigley Field Ambassadors" are going to be paid an undetermined wage to essentially run around the ballpark on game days and answer questions from fans who were not intelligent enough to figure out how "the google" works. Although some days they may be tasked with leaving the Friendly Confines and venturing out into the real world to answer the hard-hitting questions that Cubs fans have.

You may have a task outside of the ballpark. Blake said some ambassadors may spend the day at the "L" stop to interview fans attending games and make sure they have no problems navigating their way to Wrigley.

Right, because it's so damn complicated to get from that pesky Addison stop to the ballpark, which you can see from the platform.


And you don't even need to be a fan of the team! Are you a bitter White Sox fan who just wishes that wealthy white people would love your team? You're hired! Have fun telling those damn college yuppies where to find their next $6.50 beer. The most difficult requirement they have listed for the job is "knowledge and competence with modern office practices, such as computers and telephone systems". So if you can read this, and you know how to answer a phone, you've got the job. They also suggest that it would be helpful if you were bilingual in both Spanish and Japanese, because there are so many out of work linguists who want a part time job where they only need to know the words "baño" and "cerveza".

The best part about this program is that first time callers will be asked their seat location so that an ambassador can personally visit them and make sure that their experience is going well. There are so many great opportunities here to abuse the system. Has the incredibly loud hot dog vendor been annoying you for the past 3 innings? Make a phone call and tell them to bring you a hot dog on their way over. Are you still upset that Carlos Silva was even given a chance at the rotation? Just pick up a phone and you can scream at a random person face to face and ask that they pass along your concerns to Jim Hendry. Did you go to the game by yourself and you're just so damn lonely? You're surrounded by 40,000 alcoholics. If you can't find a friend there you've got a long, lonely life ahead of yourself. Sounds like you'd be perfect for the job.