Say what you will about Milton Bradley, he did one thing for the Cubs community as a whole: he gave us someone to hate. He was the Apollo Creed to our Rocky, the Detroit to our Robocop, the International Competitor to our USA Global Guts participant. The point is, he gave us someone that we could easily blame for our lack of success. So, with Milton gone, the question is: who will we hate this year?

Steve: Some people think Zambrano is untouchable for the Cubs. I think he is one temper-tantrum (combined with a .500 record) away from being out of favor in this town. How many times can you listen to someone blame everyone else for their problems before it gets old?


John: One cross glance from Z is all it takes to immediately throw all the Chicago sportswriters and radio hosts into menstrual paroxysms. I'm sensible enough to turn off the radio and not take the Sun-Times into the crapper, but even I'm getting sick of explaining how his angry fat kid routine doesn't harm his team all that much. That being said, his wonderful Karl Hungus mustache earned him the closest thing to a lifetime pass that I'll ever give to a present-day Cub.

Steve: Wanting to be the closer for a team where the fans have expectations and are a bit fickle is like wanting to be the first guy to have sex with the daughter of a porn producer that lives in a studio apartment: you are setting yourself up to disappoint yourself and your audience. It is easy to hate the closer because you expect so much out of him. Allow one hit at the wrong point, and you might as well be Judas.

John: I put wayyyy too much faith in this guy during and after 2008. Last year hurt like a bastard. If we didn't have a Special Olympics dodgeball b-team participant distracting attention with his meaty, plate-centered fastballs to cleanup hitters, I might have focused all that rage on poor Marmol. And he doesn't need that. Look at the guy's ears. He's what a plucky reliever in a Disney movie would look like.

Steve: Being officially named the lead-off man means you better get on base at least once per day, and not in that no-means-no kind of way. Struggle in the lead-off spot, and the first error you make will make everyone question Lou's judgment like we question that of the editor that put this together (especially Goreo):

John: I believe I'm already there on this one. Ryan Theriot in the leadoff spot sucks so hard that it makes me irrationally pissed at Lou Piniella, a guy I ordinarily like. Theriot and his fucking Orlando Bloom face and his shitty fielding need to go and switch from Shitty Shortstop to Passably Mediocre Second Baseman. Stop trying to steal bases, or I'm calling Tonya Harding.

What's really going to piss me off is how Theriot's shitty 2010 is going to make me jump on the Starlin Castro bandwagon, who will fail to live up to hype, which will make me jump on the bandwagon of whichever Next Big Thing is wowing them in Knoxville. It's a vicious cycle.

Steve: Let's be honest, if Bradley wasn't here last year, everyone would've been taken the proverbial crap out on Soriano. Not like he doesn't deserve it. Field errors + poor batting average = fuck you.

John: I really want to like this guy. I really want him to try. But he's clearly on the downswing of his career, and we still have roughly 7 concrete trucks full of cash to dump in his driveway.

Bobblehead on my desk, YOUR DAYS ARE FUCKING NUMBERED!

Who am I kidding? I'll see him hit a 3-run homer against a divisional opponent, and that'll buy him another 3 years in my mind. I'm a pushover.