WASHINGTON EXPOS NATIONALS

2009: 59-103 (5th)

So Long: C Josh Bard, OF Austin Kearns, P Mike MacDougal, 1B Dmitri Young

Welcome: P Miguel Batista, P Brian Bruney, IF Eric Bruntlett, P Matt Capps, OF Chris Duncan, P Eddie Guardado, 2B Adam Kennedy, P Jason Marquis, C Ivan Rodriguez, P Tyler Walker, P Chien-Ming Wang, 1B Josh Whitesell

Projected Starting Lineup (courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Nyjer Morgan, CF
2. Cristian Guzman, SS
3. Ryan Zimmerman, 3B
4. Adam Dunn, 1B
5. Josh Willingham, LF
6. Elijah Dukes Chris Duncan, RF
7. Ivan Rodriguez, C
8. Adam Kennedy, 2B

Rotation - John Lannan, Jason Marquis ("I bet you miss my ass now. Enjoy your fat Carlos Silva, you fickle sons of bitches! I'll SEE YOU ALL IN HELLLLL!"), Scott Olsen, Garrett Mock, Chien-Ming Wang, (Stephen Strasburg [The Anointed One])
Setup - Tyler Clippard, Brian Bruney
Closer - Matt Capps

Imagine you're a Nationals fan - I've never personally met one, but I have to believe that they do exist in theory. You've cheered for baseball to come back to the District, then watched as the Lerner family royally fucked the taxpayers. Then they put the Walgreens logo on the hats. Then they blocked the one interesting facet of the park experience. In a short time, the Lerners and the Nats franchise went from being perceived as well-intentioned bumblers to demonstrating a nearly Lex Luthor-ian streak of supervillainy toward the taxpayers of D.C. All these cards stacked against the fostering of a loyal fan culture, and we've not yet talked about the on-field product. Which is, as you well know, shit. So, theoretical Nationals fan, how in the hell do you get behind that, much less get a few buddies to hit a game with you on the regular? It boggles the mind.


A season removed from the worst record in the league (and it wasn't terribly close) and the 4th worst attendance in the league, they've decided to invest all their hope in Steven Strasburg. You can't find a piece of Nationals press that doesn't include at least a mention of the man I've come to think of as D.C. Jesus. He's a young, can't-miss pitching prospect, like Todd Van Poppel, Brien Taylor, or Mark Prior.


Surrounding him is what I imagine to be a re-enactment of Major League. Ivan Rodriguez refuses to give up the game - the man has a passion for the game that comes straight from the man who taught him baseball, Cap fucking Anson. He's like the killer that never dies at the end of the horror movie despite taking 8 bullets and a machete to the face. Adam Dunn was forced to put the beer goggles on and sign with them because Jim Hendry is a fucking tard. Zimmerman and Kennedy are the bland guys that you know are on the team, but don't get any good scenes with either Charlie Sheen or the voodoo guy.

I mean really, what's a good year, realistically, for this year's Nats? Maybe winning 70 and jacking up tickets a bit for the Cubs, Dodgers, and possibly Mets? Seeing The Golden Child throw a few good starts? Getting a rain out and seeing The Golden Child on cable instead of bad baseball? All of these are best case scenarios, and that has to be depressing as hell for any masochists willing to call themselves Nationals diehards.

It's a good thing that the NL no longer has the Expos, though. They were just embarrassing.

PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: Scabies. That shit is disgusting, a pain in the ass, and will follow you everywhere. From Montreal to Washington, say.

Presidential Medal of Whogivesafuck: Matt Capps. I'm sure all the baseball fans in the nation's capital spent the offseason talking about how relieved they were at the bullpen boost offered by an ex-Pirates reliever and his 5.80 ERA.

Congressional Medal of Embarrassing Middle Name: Matt Caps. Guy's middle name is Dicus. I'm pretty sure we're all pronouncing that the same way in our heads.

Joint Chiefs of Staff Award for Player That Most Resembles an Agent: Josh Willingham. Behold:

I think the photographer called this shot "Untitled: 'You're Trying to Fuck My Client On the Signing Bonus. Up It, or We Walk.'"