AMERICA'S WANG FISH

2009: 87-75 (2nd)

So Long: SS Alfredo Amezaga, P Kiko Calero, P Brendan Donnelly, 1B Ross Gload, OF Jeremy Hermida, 1B Nick Johnson, P Matt Lindstrom, P Scott Proctor

Welcome: P Hunter Jones, IF Mike Lamb, P Mike MacDougal, P Seth McClung, 2B Danny Richar, P Scott Strickland, P Derrick Turnbow, P Jose Veras

Projected Starting Lineup (courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Chris Coghlan, LF
2. Cameron Maybin, CF
3. Hanley Ramirez, SS
4. Jorge Cantu, 1B
5. Dan Uggla, 2B
6. Cody Ross, RF
7. John Baker, C
8. Emilio Bonifacio, 3B

Rotation - Josh Johnson, Ricky Nolasco, Anibal Sanchez, Chris Volstad, Rick VandenHurk
Setup - Mike MacDougal, Dan Meyer
Closer - Leo Nunez

It's hard to determine how this team will do this year, as with any year. They finished last year with a respectable record and 2nd place in the division. How did they do it, and do they have the capacity to do it again, especially on such a small budget? First off, they have decent starting pitching, especially at the top of the order led by Josh Johnson. But the rest of the starters are young, which could be a plus or minus. The bullpen is a joke though. Think of Groggles, and then remember that we got him from the Marlins, where they had wished he had stayed. Closer Nunez blew 7 of 33 save opportunities last year. This is a team that could have been in the playoffs if it wasn't for that.

On the offensive side, you still have Dan Uggla, who I blame for the Cubs not getting home field advantage for the World Series in 2008. What's that? The Cubs didn't go to the World Series in 2008? Not in my past, sonny! The Cubs made it and lost in 7. Anyway, their lineup also features shortstop Hanley Ramirez, one of the best in the game and outfielder and Rookie of Year Chris Coghlan.

Again, I am given the chance to review a team that is mediocre but looks like the Goddamn New York Fucking Yankees against the Cubs on their home turf. From 2008 to 2009, the Cubs have broken even with a record of 3-3 against the Fish in America's wang, but went a dreaded 0-9 in the 3 seasons previous. And let's not forget that this was the team that came back and beat the Cubs after they were 5 outs away from making it to the World Series.


PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: - ALD. No one's ever seen it in person, but everyone knows about it. ALD was popularized by the movie "Lorenzo's Oil" in 1992. Just like this rare disease, no one has actually ever seen the Marlin's play in Dolphin Stadium. I'm convinced that just like the moon landing, it is all faked with a couple extras thrown in as spectators for show.

Most Mentioned Non-Cub At COI That Isn't Albert Pujols: Dan Uggla. You not only earned the coveted COI Idiot of the Moment Award for your outstanding play at the 2008 All Star game, but were the highlight of at least 4 different posts. Congratulations, if you were black and played in Chicago I would know who to address my racist hate mail too.

Go Suck A Bag Of Dicks Award: 2003 Florida Marlins. Sure the 2007 and 2008 playoffs were pretty bad, but at least we never even had a chance. Add to it that the series against the Marlins gave us the Bartman Ball, which has been the joke of the Chicago Cubs ever since, I will always hate the Marlins. And with that, another video, although this one slightly more entertaining:




Go Cubs!