ATLANTA BRAVES

2009: 86-76 (3rd)

So Long: OF Garret Anderson, OF Ryan Church, P Mike Gonzalez, 2B Kelly Johnson, 1B Adam LaRoche, OF Greg Norton, P Rafael Soriano, P Javier Vazquez

Welcome: OF Melky Cabrera, 3B Troy Glaus, 1B Eric Hinske, P Takashi Saito, P Billy Wagner

Projected Starting Lineup (courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Nate McLouth, CF
2. Martin Prado, 2B
3. Chipper Jones, 3B
4. Brian McCann, C
5. Troy Glaus, 1B
6. Yunel Escobar, SS
7. Melky Cabrera, RF
8. Matt Diaz, LF

Rotation - Tim Hudson, Jair Jurrjens, Derek Lowe, Tommy Hanson, Kenshin Kawakami
Setup - Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan
Closer - Billy Wagner


Having spent four glorious years in the baseball-friendly meteorological climate of the South, I feel that it’s incumbent upon me to inform you that even when the Braves were regularly winning 100 games a year in the mid-90s, Southerners by and large did not give a shit about the Braves. The South, is, frankly terrible at supporting teams that aren’t made up of NCAA athletes – which, given the rate of higher education in the region, is morbidly hilarious. In this climate, can a predictably mediocre squad filled with bland journeymen and unproven youngsters (with a couple of notable exceptions) compete for a notoriously fickle sports city’s attention?

Fuck and no, they can’t. A good bounce in attendance following a division championship year will usually put this team at 10th in the league, at best. This is in a relatively new, blandly pleasant faux-cornpone Old Timey-Style Ballpark and Country Bear Jamboree™. One that is, oddly enough for a mid-90s-built venue, quite convenient to urban public transportation. Lately, the Braves are lucky to reach 14th in the league in attendance. That being said, they’re also unlucky to fall to 16th in the majors. The lack of energy around this franchise calls for a glass of sweet tea, a rocking chair, and casual racism injected into conversation.

I’m fairly certain that the fact that Bobby Cox still has a job is based 50 percent on his track record and 50 percent on the fact that no one in Atlanta is paying attention.


PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: - Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). It would be cliché to apply a dental malady to one of the traditional South’s few franchises. Besides, CFS saps your will to do anything productive – much like spending a summer in Atlanta.

Phantom Stranger Award: Chipper Jones. I’m convinced that Chipper Jones failed to pick a side during the war between heaven and Lucifer’s fallen angels. Now he’s destined to forever roam Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium Turner Field. He will never stop playing baseball, roaming ageless and deathless forever off the 3rd base line. This will please his core fan base, comprised mostly of frat guys with OBX stickers on their Jeep Cherokees and Southern girls who pretend to like baseball so that said boys will find them more attractive.

Most Promising Alternate Career Award: Barbaro Canizares, reserve 1st basemen. Or, if we’re going by my dreams for the man’s career prospects, the future BARBARO CANIZARES, CUBAN SPACE PIRATE!

Weekend at Bernie's 2 Award: Billy Wagner, Zombie Closer. Much like the voodoo-cursed body of titular '80s film hero Bernie Lomax, the putrefying corpse of Billy Wagner continues to feign life through the machinations of those concerned only with selfish short-term gain. Do not mistake this for actual life, and do not ask what ever happened to the film career of Andrew McCarthy. We do not speak of such things.