ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS


2009: 70-92 (5th)



So Long: OF Eric Byrnes (Burnsy), P Doug Davis (Double D), P Max Scherzer, P Daniel Schlereth, P Scott Schoenweis, 3B Chad Tracy (You can have him back), 1B Josh Whitesell


Welcome: P Aaron Heilman, P "Brown Spot" Bob Howry, P Edwin Jackson, 2B Kelly Johnson, P Ian Kennedy, 1B Adam "Zach De" LaRoche

Projected Starting Lineup(courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Stephen Drew, SS

2. Chris Young, CF

3. Justin Upton, RF

4. Mark Reynolds, 3B

5. Miguel Montero, C

6. Adam LaRoche, 1B

7. Conor Jackson, LF

8. Kelly Johnson, 2B


Rotation - Dan Haren, Brandon Webb, Edwin Jackson, Ian Kennedy, Billy Buckner

Setup - Juan Gutierrez, Rollie Fingers Clay Zavada

Closer - Chad Qualls

You would think living in the Valley of the Sun I would know more about the AZ Diamondbacks, or as we loving refer to them out here: the D-Bags. I had a chance this past Friday to check out most of the projected AZ starting lineup against the Cubs scrubs (Crubs?) during my first Spring Training game of the season. Let's just say I was unimpressed. The only time I care about my "hometown" team is the three days each year the Cubs come to Phoenix and us transplants invade Chase Field (or whatever they are calling it this season). And I wouldn't say so much that I care, as much as I just hope the Cubbies can pull out at least one win during the series. Yes, the Cubs suck out here, lest we not forget the 2007 playoffs.

So this is where I'm supposed to research the team, tell you about the offseason moves, what the analysts think, what the AZ blogs think, etc. Well fuck that. I have enough of the D-Bags during the summer while trying to not pay attention to them. If it isn't the ancient fans (as in age, not time cheering for the team), it's the fairweathers and the local residents insisting that I root, root, root for the D-Backs because I live in AZ as they point out. At least this team helped Gracey get a ring.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

According to the local media, Brandon Webb is the 2010 Diamondbacks. A team that has relied on it's pitchers since forever (or at least as long as a team that just reached it's teenage years can), unfortunately it doesn't look like Webb's season is going to be any better than last year when he only started one game…Opening Day. The questions about Webb's arm are as large as Hendry's ass and Selig's ears. If he gets more than 15 starts this season, I promise I will start watching "The Biggest Loser" so that I can actually participate in the EOC email thread. What's that, the last sentence didn't make any sense? Like I fucking care.

So what else about the D-Bags pitching? Who's that? Aaron Heilman. "Brown Spot" Bob Howry. How can Cubs fans forget those names? With a bullpen like that I see the D-Bags climbing out of last place of the NL West this year about as likely as Catherine climbing out of that damn well in Silence of the Lambs and going all "That guy from The Office in that Tarantino movie about the Nazis" on Buffalo Bill (Too many movie references? Blame the great reporting at EOC for that). The D-Bags are so bad this year they brought back Rollie Fingers. Funny, I thought I saw Rollie signing autographs at the Cubs game last weekend? Whatever.

What's that? Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to keep this to 1-2 paragraphs? So how does the bride from the Bachelor Wedding keep all her makeup perfect in the middle of a downpour? What? Huh? Baseball? Oh yeah.

According to the Sports Pickle, the D-Bags have a legitimate chance of going from worst to first this year.

The Diamondbacks have a legitimate shot to go from worst-to-first in the NL West. And that's obviously preferable to worst-to-second, worst-to-third, or worst-to-fourth because those don't rhyme. After worst-to-first, worst-to-worst is probably the second-best outcome.

WOW! And I thought I was a horrible writer. I must need more information! Let's go to Wikipedia, the mother of all that is.

The Arizona Diamondbacks' 2010 season, the franchise's thirteenth season in Major League Baseball, will include the team's attempt to make the playoffs for the first time since 2007.

Well, that was informative. The boys in purple red are hoping that season lucky number 13 will bring them a chance this year. Then again, maybe this blog has a chance of becoming a legitimate Cubs blog. And now onto the...

PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: - Erectile Dysfunction (ED). This team just doesn't get my dick wet. Arizona "improved" by going out and getting Aaron Heilman and Bob Howry to help it's bullpen. Their ace is Brandon Webb, who trails only Mark Prior in the number of wins in simulated games. Let's not forget that the offense is a bunch of unproven youngsters (Justin Upton who?) and oh, Adam LaRoche. SCARY! If your only experience seeing the D-Bags this year is when the Cubs travel to AZ, you will probably think they are the best team ever. But anyone paying attention will know that just like looking forward to Wolter's Facebook updates, they will be interesting for a minute, until everyone over-analyzes them and you want to kill them. KILL THEM!!!!



My Penis Looks Like Your Pool Award: The D-Bags outfield "special event" area. If it isn't the crappy sushi, the crazy lady waving the flag in the empty upper-deck (who only rivals Ronnie Woo Woo for most annoying baseball "mascot") or the nonexistent beer vendors, the only thing that gets me more pissed off about going to see the Cubs play the D-Bags is that the fans that could care less about the game. They don't even know when to cheer, they need the scoreboard to tell them when to "GET EXCITED". And the highlight of the night is of course the hot dog races.
 Go mustard!


The Longest Season Preview Award: Ginger Russ. Seriously, I don't even read these previews. Like I give a shit about some other team, especially one that will only play the Cubs in two series this year. This is a Cubs blog, right? At least that's what they told me when I signed up. Adam Lambert, who? So if you if made it this far the real award goes to you. Congratulations, just like smoking a pack of cigarettes, you can't get back that last 10 minutes off the end of your life from reading this crap, but somehow you feel calmer and refreshed. Or not. Don't worry, at least you didn't sit through "Avatar". Oh…you did? Well, then this post might not seem as long as it really is. And if you have really made it this far, let me waste your time a little longer. You can thank me later.



Go Cubs!