Lou Piniella managed his last game for the Chicago Cubs yesterday, electing to retire early so that he can be at home with his ailing mother. In true Cubs fashion, the Northsiders got absolutely murdered by the Atlanta Braves 16-5. Lou's Cub career got off to a promising start, as he turned a struggling team around to win the division in 2007 and made the Cubs into the best NL team in 2008. Unfortunately, neither of those teams was able to do jackshit in the playoffs, getting swept two years in a row. Despite having Milton Bradley, Aaron Miles, Aaron Heilman and an injured Aramis Ramirez last year, Lou still managed to finish the season with a winning record.

2010 proved to be the season from hell as this club has found more ways to lose than Bob and June Wheeler. While Lou has seemed distracted and disinterested at times this year, who can really blame him? More importantly, Lou is going where he belongs, which is with his sick mother. The Cubs are fucked this year anyway, regardless of whether Lou or Mike Quade is pulling the strings, so it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am a little confused as to why the Cubs have already decided Alan Trammel isn't a candidate to manage in 2011, but what the hell do I know.

Lou joins the ranks of managers who have failed to bring the Cubs a World Series, but at least the Cubs were mostly good during his tenure in Chicago. And we'll always have this. Good luck, Lou. At least you don't have to watch this collection of stiffs for the rest of the season.

I still hate this team.

This 2010 Cubs season has been beyond disappointing for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because of how truly awful this team has been. Among the disappointments has been the final Cubs season of Derrek Lee. Lee has struggled mightily this year, but has rebounded a little since the All Star Break. DLee has been one of my favorite Cubs ever since Hendry acquired him from Florida for Hee-Seop Choi prior to the 2004 season. The Lee trade is still one of Hendry's best deals as GM of this sinking franchise.

Derrek's Cub tenure has been full of ups and downs. He was solid in 2004, hitting .278 with 32 home runs, but truly shined in 2005 when he led the NL in nine offensive categories and should have won the MVP (Sorry, Albert, I know you had a good year and the Cards went to the playoffs, but Derrek Lee was fucking unreal that year. On a contending team or no, Lee got jobbed in 2005). Derrek hit .335 and won the NL batting title.

2006 would prove to be tough for the big man, as Rafael Furcal collided with Lee following an awkward throw to first base by mouthbreather Scott Eyre. Lee wound up with a broken wrist and ended up missing most of the season. Things didn't get better after he returned from the DL and he ended up with inflammation in the wrist and had to go back on the DL. Worst of all, Derrek's daughter Jada was diagnosed with Leber's congenital amaurosis, an eye disorder. The Lees later learned that she doesn't in fact have the disorder, but I remember how devastated Derrek was when he appeared on TV back in 2006.

DLee didn't seem to fully recover from the wrist injury until 2008, when he hit .306, slugging 35 homers and driving in 111 runs. Unfortunately, his skills seem to have been in decline ever since and he never was able to push the Cubs past the first round of the playoffs. At least he has his 2003 Marlins WS ring.

Derrek's Cub career came to a bitter end yesterday as he was traded to the Atlanta Braves for three stiffs in a payroll dump. I can't blame him for leaving. This team is fucking terrible, possibly the most exciting event of the season occurring when Derrek and Carlos Zambrano argued in the dugout. I know Derrek's skills are in decline and that he was unlikely to return next year, but I still hate to see him leave.

DLee was a class act and in a sport dealing with little bitches like Hanley Ramirez, Brandon Phillips, Francisco Rodriguez, Zambrano, and others this year, his presence will be missed in Chicago. For a while, the Cubs were his team. It's going to feel very strange to see Derrek in a Braves uniform in the other dugout at Wrigley Field this weekend. I know he was only a Cub for six years, but it seriously felt longer than that. Not long enough, though.

(I still hate this team.)

The Cajun Hobbit is gone. In what is hardly breaking news at this point, the Cubs have dealt Mike Fontenot to the San Francisco Giants for Evan Crawford, who is rumored to be of normal height. Luckily for Mike and his stubby little legs, the Cubs were in San Fran at the time of the trade so he didn't need to walk very far to join his new team. We all know how hobbits hate to walk. This officially spells the end of the Chicago Cubs Cajun Era.

Thank God.

Crawford is a center fielder (like the Cubs needed any more fucking outfielders) and is supposedly the Giants' fastest prospect. There may be more trades to come as the 2010 Toure de Sucke sputters into the final stretch.

I still hate this team.

Except change Maddux with "Lilly and Theriot" and Izturis with "Blake DeWitt".

Either way it's as dumb as the Maddux trade from a few years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly happy to see the Theriot Era come to a merciful end.  But on the last day of the deadline Hendry couldn' have pulled better from a team than Blake frickin' DeWitt and a couple minor leaguers?

Hopefully today's moves will be the final act of an inept negotiator.

I still hate this team.

I'm sure you've heard by now and it really isn't a big shock that Lou Piniella has decided to hang it up at the end of this season.  No matter how crappy this team finishes out the season I think as Cub fans we all owe Lou a big thanks for his work over the past 4 seasons.  After all this is the manager that:

• Took the Cubs to back to back postseasons since 1908.
• Had three consecutive winning seasons with the Cubs.  The most since Leo Durocher back in the late-60s/early-70s.
• Won 97 games in 2008, the most since Charlie Grimm won 98 managing the 1945 Cubs.

So best wishes to you Lou.  It's too bad your last season here has turned into a turd sandwich.

Now let the rampant new manager speculation begin!  Right now I'm placing 3-2 odds on Sandberg.  That however is not an endorsement for Ryno as manager.

Also Marlon Byrd is awesome.

That is all.

This past Saturday, the two interns from Thunder Matt's Saloon, Ginger Russ (along with his girlfriend) and Adam Blank, met in sunny LA to catch a Cubs game at Dodger Stadium. It would be the only game that the Cubs would win of the series, one which would see Lou's first ejection of the year, a SOTO! home run and another off the bat of a hopefully "back" Ramirez. This is Ginger's recount of the game and pre-festivities¹. As the post is rather long, it has been broken into two posts and also into parts for easier reading. Enjoy!

Part I: The Meeting, Hot Dogs and BAG

Adam picked me and the gf at the hotel in Old Pasadena exactly at 9:30am as planned. One thing I give Adam, he is punctual. Adam warned us that he hasn't driven on the highway in over a year, which given the crazy driving in LA, I must admit I was pretty worried about since having never met Adam. He told us he had to make a quick stop on the way to get my Pink's hot dog². We drove for what seemed like an hour, through back roads and blowing through stop signs until he stopped in this alley, where a guy came out and handed Adam an envelope. Nothing was mentioned about the envelope and we never saw that envelope for the rest of the day.


He then drove us to Pink's Hot Dogs, which is on my food bucket list. It wasn't busy and I ordered a hot dog with chili and mustard and onions, just like I've seen on tv. Also an Orange Crush. Amazingly, we saw Brian Austin Green getting some hot dogs too. We inquired about his new wife, and he said she was doing good but had recently had a fallout with some asshole director. He left and Adam and my gf being vegetarians sat and watched me eat my dog. It was quite good, a B+. The hot dog had the perfect snap and the chili was tasty without being too spicy. We snapped some pictures and left.

Part II: Kung-Fu Tranny's

Then Adam drove us around for a while, waiting for the vegetarian place near his house to open up so he and the gf could get some food. He took us to Koreatown and to see some houses where the rich people live. All the while Adam had TSOL blasting at full volume on his stereo, which the speakers were blown out on so it was just a bunch of loud fuzz. At one point we were stopped at a stop light and Adam yelled, "Chinese Firedrill!" He jumped out of the car and ran around it and got back in and drove away just as the light turned green.


On the way we drove by a house deemed, the "House of Davids". Mind you, this house is in a really upscale neighborhood. To Adam's great enjoyment (seriously, I think he came in his pants), the owner was having a yard sale so we stopped and browsed. It was all a bunch of tranny clothes and the people shopping were bums, little mexican women and of course, trannys. I told Adam and the gf to go wait in the car and for Adam to "keep it running". I grabbed a bunch of dresses that seemed like they were my gf's size and took off. I got about half way out of the yard before some chick (or possibly dude) tried to tackle me. I used my kung-fu training to trip her/him and jumped in the car as Adam peeled away with the chick (or dude) tossing her 14 inch stilettos at Adam's car.

Part III: Fried Plantains, Nipple Contest and Puking

We made it to the vegetarian restaurant near Adam's house where Adam ordered a vegetarian burrito, my gf ordered a jackfruit "pulled pork" sandwich and I ordered some plate that included homemade tortilla chips, pico, guacamole, rice and beans and fried plantains. I must admit the fake sandwich tasted very close to a real version and would probably fool the amateur eater (aka Daft Funk). I had never had fried plantains before and didn't like them, as expected.


While eating, a couple came in with their little kid who proceeded to yell at the top of his lungs for the entire rest of the meal. This would be a fortuitous event, as it would precursor every meal my gf and I would have for the rest of the trip. Apparently parents in CA have some sort of censor that makes them not hear their kids screaming in public places. The meal was fairly uneventful compared to the beginning of the meeting, although we did try to replicate the original Thunder Fist by comparing nipple sizes, which my gf found very unnerving, particularly because our female waitress joined in the competition. Adam won, but the hippie waitress by far had the hairiest nipples. We left the restaurant, unsure what to do next, so I suggested we go to a bar to pre-drink. Adam suggested a bar that Daft Funk once recommended so we started towards that.


Where Adam lives, it is very hilly, like San Francisco. One of the hills was especially large and Adam told us to buckle up. He sped up the hill, gas peddle floored and at the very top we "jumped" about 10 feet in what was a scene exactly like out of "the Blues Brothers". I must admit it was very cool. Unfortunately my stomach full of Mexican delicacies did not think so. I proceeded to throw up in Adam's car, which in turn made my gf throw up at the site of me throwing up. Luckily, Adam's car is littered with ripped out pages of porn mags (mostly weird fetish shit) so the clean up was easy.

Part IV: The Liquor Store

So after cleaning up the puke from Adam's car, we decided we had wasted too much time to go to the bar and instead figured we would just go to Adam's liquor store and I could buy some beer and we would tailgate, as I hear you can do at Dodger Stadium. On the way, Adam pointed out the spot where he found a dead homeless person and the makeshift memorial he had constructed out of empty Taaka vodka bottles. We entered the liquor store and were browsing. They didn't have much of a selection so I decided on a tall boy can of Budweiser. I assumed this is what Goreo would have chosen, so I thought it was a good choice. The little asian woman at the counter didn't speak english very well so I had no idea what the price was. I kept asking and asking and finally gave up and gave her a $20 bill.


Just at that moment, a little black midget that looked like Gary Coleman walked in. Immediately Adam yelled out, "YOU FUCKING N***ER, I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!" and ran at the little guy, knocking over a stand of chile-lime cheetos and peanut butter cups that were on sale for 40% off. He tackled the guy and started tickling him. My gf and I were very confused as Adam and the guy got up and started talking, I guess they were buddies or something³. Unfortunately, the asian attendant didn't know what was going and pulled out a shotgun and started screaming in Mandarin at them. My gf and I slowly slid out the door (without my change mind you) as the midget started screaming back at the woman. We waited outside for about five minutes and Adam walked out. We asked what happened and he shrugged, mumbling something about how he wouldn't be able to buy his vodka from that shop for a couple weeks. We got in his car and proceeded to the stadium.


Tune in tomorrow...or whenever I write the conclusion.

¹Some events may be exaggerated for entertainment purposes.

²I was on a mission to eat a Pink's hot dog. Watching mostly the Food Network and other cooking shows, I have seen many stories on the famed dog, which I was bound to taste in person.

³Adam would like to clarify that the man's name is Marcel and technically he is a dwarf.